Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies
by Mistress Nika
Summary: A missive to the Gotei 13 from Yamamoto.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies  
**Author:** Mistress Nika  
**Rating:** PG-ish  
**Summary:** A missive to the Gotei 13 from Yamamoto-sotaicho  
**Pairings:** nothing serious  
**Warnings:** absolute crack  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.  
**Notes:** Each chapter will probably only be somewhere around two or three hundred words.

It was the opinion of the sotaicho that, as a deterrent to objectionable behavior, a little public humiliation went a long way. Of course, he couldn't call it that. Instead, he called them gentle reminders of what was not acceptable and displayed each person's wrongdoing for all the Gotei 13 to see. After all, if one person made the mistake of eating in a meeting and he publicly reprimanded them, others would surely realize they shouldn't do it either.

This led to the creation of a list of guidelines, posted in each division and updated once a day. Early in the morning, a lone shinigami would make the rounds, tacking up that day's additions to the ever growing list.

Ironically, this was less of a deterrent and more of a source of amusement and gossip. Each morning, the first thing many shinigami did was check the bulletin board for updates.

Some even took it as a challenge and had a bet going to see who could get the most outlandish, extravagant, downright absurd rule about themselves posted without getting in any _real_ trouble.

Unsurprisingly, Kurotsuchi Mayuri was winning.

He wasn't even aware of the bet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop spiking my tea. I assure you, I do not need to "loosen up".

**Aizen-taicho** - While we have all, at one time or another, had a song stuck in our heads, your propensity to hum "It's the End of the World as We Know It" while looking at a map of Soul Society is starting to make some people nervous. Please consider a change of tune.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Glitter gel is not a part of the standard Shinigami uniform. Stop telling new recruits that it is.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - You are not allergic to your fukutaicho. Stop requesting transfers and citing medical reasons.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - Stop handcuffing yourself to Matsumoto-fukutaicho. I don't care if it was her idea or that you "lost the key". Nor do I care that Hitsugaya-taicho said you could.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Control your fanclub. Enough is enough.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Letting Kuchiki-taicho's fanclub into his home was a cruel, heartless thing to do.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - No matter how brilliant that young prodigy is, we will have to insist that she be reassigned to another division. Her crippling fear of mimes is hampering her effectiveness.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please stop eating the Hell Butterflies.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Stop challenging Matsumoto-fukutaicho to battles involving the Kama Sutra.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Tying your fukutaicho up, rolling her up in a carpet, putting her in a safe, wrapping it in chains and padlocking it is not an appropriate way of babysitting.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Underwear is called _under_wear for a reason.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Wall is not synonomous with door. Also, that puppy Hollow you found is still a Hollow. Kusajishi-fukutaicho cannot keep it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop delivering false challenges to duels to Zaraki-taicho on behalf of others without their knowledge.

**Aizen-taicho** - Stop stealing your fukutaicho's underwear. Even if you plan to hide them in Hitsugaya-taicho's bedroom. This behavior is highly disturbing.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Stop filing sexual harassment charges against your fukutaicho.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - That love note you received did not actually come from Soifon-taicho. This should have been readily apparent to you, as it was written in pink crayon on the hide of a defeated Hollow.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - You may not run away to the human world to escape your brother's wrath.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - There are proper procedures to dispose of hazardous materials and failed experiments. Throwing them over the wall into the eleventh division is not one of them.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please stop making jewelry out of the bones of defeated Hollows and passing them out as gifts to unsuspecting individuals.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You are not a member of the fourth division and are not qualified to perform gynecological exams.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - If you absolutely must sweep the contents of your taicho's desk to the floor, lay yourself across it in a sexually provocative position and offer to make him a man, please do so in private.

**Soifon-taicho** - The eleventh division does not go into work each day on the "short bus".

**Zaraki-taicho** - Please arrive to meetings in a timely and appropriate manner. Arriving twenty minutes late by crashing through the ceiling, destroying the table and declaring "Who wants their ass kicked today?" is not a timely and appropriate manner.


	4. Chapter 4

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Playing 'Battleship' is not an effective form of training. Please stop carrying it around and randomly challenging people to a game.

**Aizen-taicho** - Your skill with the art of language is truly admirable, but the rest of the Gotei 13 would like to request that you please stop trying to find ways to work the word 'zucchini' into conversation. Yes, it is a funny sounding word. We are still sick of hearing it.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika **- Your origami skills are impressive. However, making them out of official paperwork is not a proper and productive use of your time. Filling your division's barracks full of them six feet deep and declaring it a paper crane wildlife refuge is going too far. We understand that you are bored. Therefore, your punishment for dying the entire tenth division's uniforms hot pink is hereby lifted. Go kill some Hollows or something.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - Stop asking if you and Hitsugaya-taicho can switch fukutaicho.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - The Shinigami Women's Association, despite what they would have others believe, does not have the authority to countermand orders from your taicho. Stop following him around with a camera. I don't care why you're doing it. Just stop.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Roleplay is to be done on your own time, and in private. There are certain things we never want to see.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - It has come to our attention that many messages are not reaching their intended recipients. Again, we must respectfully request that you stop eating the Hell Butterflies.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You will cease and desist any and all attempts to legally change your name to Kyoraku "Sexy Stud" Shunsui or any variations thereof, effective immediately.

**Madarame Ikaku** - The sixth division does not have "stick-in-ass-itis". Please stop sending false requests to the fourth division for emergency assistance on behalf of other divisions.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Stop filing sexual harassment charges against your taicho. He is not staring at your breasts on purpose. His head just happens to be eye-level with them.

**Unohana-taicho** - Please stop nailing gruesome diagrams labeled "What Happens When Shinigami Miss Their Prostate Exams" on people's doors. We have children in our ranks.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Chasing souls while laughing maniacally, brandishing your zanpakuto and yelling "Stand still and let me whack you!" is not an incentive for them to allow you to perform konso.


	5. Chapter 5

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Giving your 'Battleship' game to Kurotsuchi-taicho was ill advised. We have not seen hide nor hair of the entire twelfth division for more than two weeks. Whatever consequences come of this, we're blaming you.

**Aizen-taicho** - Stop encouraging Kuchiki Rukia. If she asks you to pose for the Shinigami Women's Association's swimsuit calendar, you are to just say no.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Soifon-taicho does not appreciate your attempts to liven-up her wardrobe.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - In the future, if your fukutaicho is passed out drunk over her desk, do not attempt to wake her with smelling salts unless you like cleaning up vomit.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - You and Aizen-taicho have both been warned. You are not to pose for nude pictures, whether they are photos or hand drawn. Seireitei has a reputation to uphold. You will also be paying for the time and money spent to acquire and burn each and every copy of the Shinigami Women's Association's swimsuit calender, the yaoi calender and the "luv bunney" calender.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Stop stealing strands of hair, fingernail clippings, articles of clothing and/or vials of blood from your brother, taicho or any other male close to you and blaming it on the twelfth division. You are not the "inside agent" for the Shinigami Women's Association, nor any fanclub.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please stop hiding your candy in other divisions and forgetting about it. It is beginning to attract flies.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You are not a woman. Stay out of the women's baths.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Setting Ayasegawa's hair on fire was evil and vindictive. It doesn't matter what he said. You _will_ find other outlets for your anger.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Filling your taicho's desk drawers full of oatmeal was not an appropriate way of telling him that you want time off.

**Sasakibe****-fukutaicho** - Please stop switching my tea for yours. It is a most unpleasant surprise.

**Ukitake-taicho** - Hitsugaya-taicho does not want to play dress-up. Put away the tutu.

**Yamada Hanataro** - The next time you feel the need to cover yourself in Hollow bait to get out of duties in the living world, you will instead be sent to the twelfth division for experimentation.

**Zaraki-taicho** - You are hereby banned from performing konso on human souls unless there is absolutely no other choice.


	6. Chapter 6

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop looking up obscure terms for body parts, sexual acts and vulgar terminology and publicly asking your taicho to define them for you.

**Aizen-taicho** - While your calm acceptance of your fanclub's antics is admirable, you are not to encourage them to call themselves "The Cult of Aizen the Great, Lord of All Creation".

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Yelling "Duck!" when that duck Hollow attacked and then watching everyone hit the floor was very amusing. Releasing a flock of ducks into Seireitei just so you could do it again was not. Also, those are not ducks. Those are peacocks. We _can_ tell the difference.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - What you did to that Hollow... that was... that was just... _ungodly_ disturbing. Nothing it said could have warranted such excessively cruel and inhumane treatment. Not even Hollows deserve that. I have recommended you for an immediate psych evaluation.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - "But I was wearing bunny ears!" is no excuse. Those are still _nude_ pictures.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Those incomplete "Bya-kun" clones you're keeping in the secret lab under your bedroom floor will be destroyed immediately. Any future attempts to sell any clones will be considered prostitution and you will be arrested.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Full scale mock naval battles are not to be held in Soul Society.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please _PLEASE_ stop eating the Hell Butterflies. They cannot possibly taste _that_ good! - No, I do not want to try one!

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Your stalking of the female Shinigami stops now. Do you have any idea how many restraining orders there are against you?

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Your taicho does not need the "birds and bees" explained to him.

**Soifon-taicho **- The eleventh division are not cannibals.

**Unohana-taicho **- Please stop drugging and kidnapping shinigami when they are due for a checkup. A simple reminder and a request to come in will be sufficient.

**Zaraki-taicho** - You may not search out and recruit the recently departed soul of Ronnie James Dio. He is busy giving Satan swirlies.


	7. Chapter 7

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop trying to besmirch your taicho's honor.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - You will return to the fourth division at once and not attempt to escape again. Also, you will take the medication Unohana-taicho prescribes, willingly or not. If you continue to refuse, she has full authority to administer it intravenously or in suppository form. She has demonstrated a preference for the latter.

**Kuchiki-Rukia** - Request for transfer to the twelfth division denied. You will instead be sent to the living world.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Request for deployment of the entire twelfth division to the human world denied. Get rid of those battleships at once.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please refrain from passing out stickers to those above you in rank and to those outside your division for a job well done. While it may be an effective incentive towards hard work, there is nothing more terrifying than Zaraki Kenpachi covered head-to-toe in yellow smiley face stickers. The banana scented scratch-and-sniff was especially frightening.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - The answer is NOT 42! The question was rhetorical.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Return Matsumoto-fukutaicho's brassiere at once. No one wants to know what she'll do when she finds out that you have been using it as a slingshot to fling rotten fruit at other divisions.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Stop writing profane and/or insulting comments about people on the back of your taicho's paperwork in his handwriting.

**Soifon-taicho** - Your stealth skills are impressive. Everyone knows this. You have nothing to prove. Please stop putting live crocodiles in the eleventh division's baths when they turn their backs.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Stay away from the recently departed. Even if you're not trying to perform konso. And for the love of all that is holy, stop encouraging them to become Hollows just so you can have a good fight!


	8. Chapter 8

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Mattress surfing is not the next big sports craze, no matter how tempting a freshly waxed floor is.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - You will be sent the bill for replacement of Soifon-taicho's personal office supplies. She would also like to return the vibrating phallic devices you switched them with. She believes the peacock feather designs were an impressive touch, but would like to remind you to put away your toys when you're finished playing with them.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - We would like to remind you of the "Hollow Incident" of some weeks prior and kindly request that you not startle Hitsugaya-taicho. Many in Seireitei are not as resistant to frostbite as you are.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - We understand that Unohana-taicho is trying to ween you off your medication. Be that as it may, you have frightened Kusajishi-fukutaicho. Zaraki-taicho has indicated that your apology to her can be made in the form of candy, and that you are responsible for coaxing her out of hiding. He believes she may be somewhere in the twelfth division.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - It is very responsible of you to educate your division on basic safety. However, we must request that you stop telling them not to run with scissors and pointing out the possible consequences using Zaraki-taicho as an example.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - We regret to inform you that official records indicate that Kurosaki Ichigo is not the reincarnation of Shiba Kaien. Stop stalking him. He has better things to do than dodge you all day.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - You may not kill Kurosaki Ichigo. His insinuations as to the purity of your sister, or lack thereof, are lies.

**Kurosaki Ichigo** - Stop making insinuations about the size of your zanpakuto in relation to the size of your "flesh zanpakuto", even if Kuchiki Rukia claims she has "never seen one that big before".

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Stop convincing other divisions that going nude except for tin-foil hats and full-body woad will prevent Hollow attacks. "Hollows can't see the color blue" is a blatant lie and you know it. Tinfoil repels cats, not Hollows.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho **- Please stop switching people's shampoo with pink hair dye. You are one of a kind. We would like to keep it that way.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Stop claiming that it is possible to increase your reiryoku through wild monkey sex and advertising your services as a sexy battery.

**Madarame Ikaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Keep your antics within the walls of your division. I don't care that you were sparring. We _do_ have decency laws!

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - You are not to take advantage of Hitsugaya-taicho's drugged state to drag him shopping. Most of the stores you shop in have a strict age limit.

**Zaraki-taicho** - When Kurotsuchi-taicho dropped an entire naval battlefleet onto your division, it was not a challenge to a fight to the death.


	9. Chapter 9

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop telling Matsumoto-fukutaicho that Hitsugaya-taicho is having a bad day and needs a hug.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Cornflakes are to be eaten, not used as a substitute for paper mache.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Your collection of Aizen plushies must be removed from public viewing. The shrine is making your subordinates nervous.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - I don't know where you got that pack of Tasmanian Devils, but you will immediately cease all attempts to train them to attack on command using a picture of Aizen. Get rid of them. They are destroying property and mauling Shinigami. Unohana-taicho is overworked as it is.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Stop sneaking back into Soul Society for secret rendezvous with Shinigami. I don't care that they need their "Gin-bunny Sexy Fun Time". If you are seen, you _will_ be executed.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - "Official records are wrong!" does not make it any less true. Leave him alone.

**Kuchiki Rukia **- Keep your yaoi collection to yourself. While the rest of the Shinigami Women's Association may enjoy it, Zaraki-taicho has stated that the next time Kusajishi-fukutaicho brings home 'manporn', he will personally kick the asses of the entire SWA. He does not care that you are all female.

**Kurosaki Ichigo** - Leering at Abarai-fukutaicho suggestively and asking him how far down his tattoos go is not funny, no matter how high-pitched his scream.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - No, we will not be wrapping Kurosaki Ichigo head-to-toe in tinfoil and tossing him at Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - No matter how many times you blow that dog whistle, Komamura-taicho will not heel.

**Kyoraku-taicho **- That CD of naughty sounds will be confiscated immediately.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Putting a cardboard cutout outside the door to the tenth division stating "You must be at least this tall to enter" and then attempting to bar Hitsugaya-taicho access is a very dangerous stunt. Unohana-taicho has explained to you the possible consequences of frostbite and will not be saving your extremities again.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - If you ever again feel the need to do some spring cleaning, do not shove everything in your division out into the street, forget about it and go off drinking.

**Quincy, Ishida Uryu **- Stop using your skills with a needle and thread to sew Shinigami up in their futon. And stay out of Soul Society!

**Ukitake-taicho **- We applaud your creativeness in turning a debilitating illness to your advantage. However, even though that Arrancar believed you and appropriately freaked out, "Projectile Blood-Cough" is not a standard Shinigami ability, nor is it really soul-devouring acid.

**Zaraki-taicho **- If you find a bunch of perfectly good furniture in the street, you are not allowed to claim it as your own. Return it to the tenth division at once.


	10. Chapter 10

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop telling Matsumoto-fukutaicho that _you_ are having a bad day and need a hug.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Stop following Kurosaki Ichigo around and squirting him with flowery perfume.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Stop replacing your subordinate's staplers with pre-chewed gum and insisting he use it. We _told_ him to take down the shrine. He is not to be punished.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - When I said "get rid of the Tasmanian Devils", I did not mean "lock them in Zaraki-taicho's office". I certainly did not mean for you to wire it for CCTV, sell tickets and take bets on who would come out alive.

**Ichimaru Gin** - The recently departed soul known as Gary Coleman is enjoying a peaceful afterlife. Stop sneaking into Soul Society and trying to recruit him. No, he is not being recruited by us either and there are no plans to make him a Shinigami. I don't care how funny it would be to have him say "What'choo talkin' 'bout, taicho?", the answer is no. Besides, that stopped being funny years ago. _(Credit to Osiris the Dark)  
_  
**Ise-fukutaicho** - You are hereby banned from reading the following titles in public: "Hot Time on the River Wide", "Slave of Summer", "The Tales of the Scarlet Consort", "The Flowering Lily and the Pirate Lord", "Student's Body of Work", "Sensei in the Night", "Sempai in the Night", "Okama in the Knight", "Academy of Passion", "Touch of the King's Men" and "The Comprehensive Women's Guide to Workplace Sexual Harassment and Passive Defense".

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - Your taicho does not have "magic fingers". It may have been an innocent comment, but rumors spread fast.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Please stop using your shikai to make an entrance. It is encouraging other Shinigami to imitate you and we now are facing widespread deforestation and the loss of many acres of cherry trees.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Stop making up fake kido with vulgar incantations and teaching them to others.  
_  
_**Kurosaki Ichigo **- When on duty, you are to wear your standard Shinigami shihakusho and carry your zanpakuto at all times. You are not permitted to wear a black hooded robe and carry a scythe. Appearing to recently deceased souls while wearing this outfit, pointing a skeletal hand at them and declaring it is their time to go is certainly not allowed.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho **- You cannot see the future. Stop predicting doom for everyone.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho **- Komamura-taicho appreciates the thought, but if you feel you absolutely must buy him a gift, he requests that it not be another squeaky toy, dog biscuit or collar.

**Kyoraku-taicho **- I am not using that CD I confiscated from you for "naughty purposes".

**Madarame Ikaku** - Stop trying to pimp out Ayasegawa.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - No matter how hot the summers, you may not switch your shihakusho for a string bikini.

**Quincy, Ishida Uryu** - Stop ripping the seams out of Shinigami's clothing in such a manner as they fall off in the least advantageous situation. We have discovered that a disturbing amount of Shinigami have no problem with public nudity. - No, you were not just trying to spice up captain's meetings! None of us ever wanted to see that much of Zaraki-taicho! - And stay out of Soul Society!

**Shiba Ganju** - Please stop aiming fireworks at Seireitei and using the resulting chaos to kidnap Yamada Hanataro.

**Urahara Kisuke **- Flooding Soul Society with fliers reading "I Told You So" with chibi-devil-Aizens frolicking with Hollows is going too far. You are still officially a criminal. Don't make me send Soifon-taicho after you.

**Zaraki-taicho** - If you defeat another captain, even if you kill them, it does not mean you get their division too. Each captain is allowed only one division. - Please don't kill the taicho. Despite what some people think, taicho-class Shinigami do not grow on trees.


	11. Chapter 11

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - You are hereby on a two week suspension following your ill advised actions of introducing Zaraki-taicho to the musical stylings of the band known as Kiss. We thought he could not get any more frightening. We were wrong.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Leave Kurotsuchi-taicho alone. He is not going to create a sex change potion for you.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - No matter how many times you make the request, no matter how politely you word it or how much you threaten, the answer will still be the same. When performing your duties, you may not wear a purple fuku and call yourself Sailor Saturn.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Just because Ukitake-taicho gives you candy does not mean he is a pedophile.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - The term "Rule 34" has nothing to do with _these_ rules. Stop drawing porn of people and attaching it to the list.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Please stop using your zanpakuto on other people's paperweights. Paperwork is always late enough as it is. Stop giving them a legitimate excuse.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Before making a trip to the living world, please brush up on their laws and customs. What was commonplace fifty years ago will get you locked up today.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - If your brother gets arrested in the living world, please inform Seireitei so that we can handle things in a calm and appropriate manner. You are not to take it upon yourself to rescue him. You are certainly not to put a ladies stocking over your head, don a Zorro mask, blow a hole in the wall with dynamite, leap through the debris, declare "Foolish mortals! You'll never defeat me with your pathetic terrestrial ways!", throw him over your shoulder, toss smoke bombs at the ground, yell "Shinigami Jail Break no Jutsu!", leap back out the hole and disappear into the night. - Also, stop reading Kurosaki's manga. It gives you ideas. You, of all people, do not need any more ideas.

**Kurosaki Ichigo **- Kuchiki-taicho is not a pimp. You are not to attempt to purchase his sister from him.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho **- The next time you sneak up behind Kurosaki Ichigo in an empty alley late at night and ominously whisper "_dooooooom_" in his ear, Unohana-taicho will not help you reconstitute yourself.

**Kurotsuchi Nemu** - Stop referring to yourself as Kurotsuchi-taicho's "love doll". Whoever put you up to this was lying. It does not mean what you think it means.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho **- Painting black spots on your subordinates chests does not make them Hollows. Stop trying to slay them.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Just because you have seniority over most other Shinigami does not mean the rules do not apply to you. Stop appropriating flowers from Kuchiki-taicho's gardens. If you absolutely _must_ make an entrance with flower petals, you will buy them like everyone else.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Stop saluting me with "Heil Hitler!"

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - You are to take more thorough precautionary measures in preventing "wardrobe malfunctions" in battle. While flashing the enemy may be an effective battle tactic, it has also led to the deaths of several male Shinigami fighting alongside you.

**Ukitake-taicho** - You and Kyoraku-taicho both, stop hazing the new captains.

**Urahara Kisuke** - I know what you're trying to do. I know who put you up to it. Henceforth, if punishment is warranted for your actions, I will not be sending Soifon-taicho. I will instead be sending Zaraki-taicho, drunk and sexually aroused. Tell Shihoin that he has been noted as having said "A cat is fine too."

**Zaraki-taicho **- Facepaint. Off. Now. No arguments.


	12. Chapter 12

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop playing "War Machine" whenever Zaraki-taicho enters a room.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Stop sneaking the human soul known as Elvis out of Soul Society. The living humans have begun to notice that something is up. - "I was just following orders" is no excuse. He is _not_ the King of Soul Society!

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Stop biting people! We are in fear for our limbs!

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - "Kill them all and sort it out later" is never the proper answer.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Leave Yamada Hanataro alone. He does not want to join the Dark Side. Even if you have cookies.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Stop using "spar with Zaraki-taicho" as a punishment for misbehaving subordinates.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - Your taicho has not left a long trail of broken hearts behind her and, while she may have the skill to do so, she does not break her lover's pelvis with her thighs just because she likes their screams of agony, only to repair them and do it all again. You are now forbidden from consuming alcohol before meetings of the Shinigami Women's Association.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - You are not allowed to castrate Kurosaki Ichigo for the crime of looking at your sister "funny".

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Contrary to popular opinion, sometimes "Hollow bites" really are just Hollow bites. When Kuchiki-taicho inquires about the large teeth-shaped marks on your shoulder and arm, you are to tell him, promptly and honestly, about your recent fight with a biting Hollow. You are not to gaze off into space, sigh dreamily and say, "He was very vigorous..."

**Kurosaki Ichigo **- Stop assuming that any Shinigami who shows up at your house, enters through your bedroom window and asks to stay with you is there for sexual purposes.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho **- Seireitei does not have "Dress Like a Hollow Day". You are now responsible for the most widespread panic, chaos and injuries among Shinigami _by_ Shinigami than any other event in all of Soul Society history!

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho **- When visiting the fourth division, please leave your markers at home. Our Shinigami do not enjoy waking from life-threatening injuries to find genitals drawn on their face.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Stop haunting the living. Pretending to be someone's departed ancestors or a shine kami just so they'll make offerings to you is tasteless and tacky.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Kuchiki-taicho's kenseikan is not the remains of his Hollow mask. If you don't stop pointing at him, screaming "Arrancar!", and fleeing in the opposite direction whenever you see him, we will allow him to exact punishment however he sees fit. - This does not mean you can point at him, scream "Arrancar!" and attack him instead. You are inspiring imitators. There are already rumors spreading at the academy about us having an Arrancar taicho.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - If you must go undercover at a human high school, you should not ask other students where the tentacles are. Your perception of human high schools is highly skewed. Please consider branching out into other genres of anime.

**Shihoin Yoruichi** - Stop arranging invasions of Seireitei just so you can kidnap Soifon-taicho for a week.

**Soifon-taicho** - Stop arranging invasions of Seireitei just so you can run away with Shihoin for a week.

**Ukitake-taicho** - With your prior success of turning your illness to your advantage against the enemy, you have been approved for that spy mission you requested. However, please stop practicing your "betrayal" in view of those not in the know. We have had to deal with far too many terrified young Shinigami who are desperate to report that "Ukitake-taicho is consuming the blood of the innocent and he coughed it up when it went down wrong!"

**Unohana-taicho** - Emptying bedpans is not a task for your fukutaicho, no matter what she might have said while intoxicated.

**Urahara Kisuke** - Stop making Gigai in the form of Shinigami without their knowledge, stuffing them with Mod Souls and renting them out for sexual purposes. - Eliminating the Mod Souls and renting out the vacant Gigai to somnophiliacs and necrophiliacs does not make it alright.

**Zaraki-taicho **- Giving your fukutaicho a jar of peanut butter and telling her to "go to town" was highly irresponsible.


	13. Chapter 13

**Aizen Sosuke** - Our plans to counter you do not involve zombies. You should not be taking steps to counter zombies. There will be no zombies. This is not a zombie apocalypse. We did not get the idea from Kuchiki Rukia's movie night. Kurotsuchi-taicho is not working on a virus to turn otherwise healthy beings into flesh-eating, brain-craving horrors. There are no zombies involved. Zombies do not exist. There will be no zombies. This is not a suspiciously specific denial.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Kurotsuchi-taicho's theme music is not the song from "Psycho". He does not _have_ theme music. _None_ of our Shinigami have theme music. Stop playing "The Imperial March" when I enter a room. In fact, you are now forbidden to possess any musical recording device, be it high-tech or a phonograph! And change your ringtone! You are not "big pimpin"!

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - You may not run through Seireitei with a terrified look on your face, screaming at the top of your lungs, "OH GOD! YACHIRU RELEASED HER BANKAI! RUN!". The mass exodus of every single Shinigami and absolute chaos as they descended into Rukongai en masse was not funny. We have yet to recover all those who made it through a Senkaimon. Because of your stunt, Urahara Kisuke has made it clear that any Shinigami who turns up on his doorstep requesting sanctuary, no matter how frightened they are, will be turned away without question.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - That cake is not a lie. You will share it with the rest of your division.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - There have been reports of some recent unapproved construction in the tenth division. After a thorough investigation, I must unfortunately request that all construction be halted, the moat filled in, the oubliette permanently closed off and the spikes removed from the pit. If you wish to continue using the pit, it must only be a place of temporary detainment.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Stop taunting us and pointing out our ineffectiveness by running naked through Seireitei wearing nothing but bunny ears and a cottontail and declaring, "Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Gin-bunny man!"

**Ise-fukutaicho** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, no female Shinigami will be trusted to chase after him. We lose more loyal Shinigami that way...

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, no female Shinigami will be trusted to chase after him. We lose more loyal Shinigami that way...

**Kotetsu Kiyone** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, no female Shinigami will be trusted to chase after him. We lose more loyal Shinigami that way...

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Control your sister. _Now_.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, no female Shinigami will be trusted to chase after him. We lose more loyal Shinigami that way... - No, you are not defecting! Get back here!

**Kurosaki Ichigo** - Just because you are now to be treated with the same respect as if you were a taicho does not mean you get to create your own division. Especially if you intend to call it your harem. _Especially_ if you intend to fill the upper ranks with your nakama. - Kuchiki-taicho would like a word with you, immediately.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Proper containment is a must.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - "Kill it with fire" is not the answer to a situation that has gone out of control. Yes, fire is an effective technique to stop the spread of disease, but when chased by a certain escaped secret experiment, the only thing that is worse is if it is also on fire.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Yelling "Bankai!" and having Zaraki-taicho pounce your opponent is only funny the first time.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - We will not be making peace with Hueco Mundo. Please cease all plans for an Arrancar-Shinigami Mud Wrestling Invitational Championship.

**Madarame Ikaku** - There are no Arrancar, Vizard, Hollows or Youkai in our ranks. If you continue making claims to the contrary, no matter how much evidence you may have, you will be arrested.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, no female Shinigami will be trusted to chase after him. We lose more loyal Shinigami that way... - "He just grabbed me, tossed me over his shoulder and kept running!" is no excuse. Especially when followed with, "I had a very nice view."

**Omaeda-fukutaicho** - When Ichimaru Gin runs naked through Seireitei, you may not strip naked and join him. Even if it is a deterrent to the female Shinigami.

**Soifon-taicho** - No matter what your spies in Hueco Mundo might have told you, there is no such thing as a Menos Rave.

**Ukitake-taicho** - We did not know that it was possible to remove an Arrancar's brain through his nose with a knitting needle, and honestly, we really didn't want to. Despite your illness, you have a firm grasp on the title of Seireitei's Most Fearsome Taicho.

**Unohana-taicho** - We understand that the fourth division is overworked and under a lot of stress. However, responding to a polite request with "I'm not your god damn slave!" is a bit excessive.

**Yamada Hanataro** - If Unohana-taicho instructs you to stand guard over Shinigami who are prone to escape with your shikai at the ready, do so and do not protest. You are a healer. Any damage you inflict can be repaired.

**Zaraki-taicho** - For stepping out into Ichimaru Gin's path and clotheslining him into unconsciousness, you are to be commended. However, that does not mean you get whatever he was carrying as "spoils of war". Release Matsumoto-fukutaicho at once!

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This chapter is dedicated to the awesome AppleDoodle. Your reviews are a bright spot in my day and I always look forward to them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Aizen Sosuke** - Please stop flinging recently severed, still twitching body parts into Seireitei. We know you're evil. You don't have to prove it. - Matsumoto-fukutaicho would like it known that she does not enjoy bloody hands landing between her bosoms, then groping them.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - There are no plans to replace all Zanpakuto with lightsabers.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - We do not "bish slap" those who annoy us. Even if they are an attractive male.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - You are not to deliver paperwork by dousing it in blood and pinning it to people's doors with a butcher knife. - Likewise, you are not to storm into Soifon-taicho's office, slam a message down on her desk inches from her nose and then pin it there by skewering it with a large, bloody knife. - This does not mean you can deliver messages by pinning Hell Butterflies to people's desks with thumbtacks. - Please report to the fourth division for an immediate psychological evaluation.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Please stop sending your dentist bills to Ukitake-taicho.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - The graffiti will stop. If we see one more depiction of sexual acts scrawled onto walls, you will be explaining to Kyoraku-taicho and Ukitake-taicho why you felt the need to paint them in flagrante.

**Inoue Orihime** - Your attempts to form a Zaraki Fanclub among the female Shinigami are not appreciated.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - When someone makes a disparaging comment about your division, this is not the time to glare, pull out a chainsaw and give it a few pointed revs.

**Komamura-taicho** - The next time Kusajishi-fukutaicho buys you a collar, do not put it on just to humor her. Shock collars can be very dangerous, especially when the controller is in her hands.

**Kotetsu Kiyone** - Stop stroking your taicho's hair and then claiming your hand is possessed by the devil. - Or Aizen.

**Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Stop tripping Kotetsu Kiyone and then claiming your foot is possessed.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - You are not to kill Kurosaki Ichigo for giving you that list of outdated laws on the pretense of being helpful.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

**Kurosaki Ichigo** - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - Should you find Kuchiki Rukia and Kurosaki Ichigo having a pleasant visit with your taicho, lock them in and inform the other taicho at once.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - That jar of goo is not actually Kurotsuchi-taicho, even if you label it as such. Stop carrying it around, eating from it and cheerfully declaring, "Mmmm! That's some delicious mime-taicho!"

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Take that bra off your head now!

**Madarame Ikaku** - Iguanas are not to be released into unsuspecting Shinigami's bedrooms. Especially not while they are engaging in intimate acts. - There is no such thing as a plague of iguanas, Soul Society is not currently suffering from one and if it were, it would not be a sign of the apocalypse.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - If you truly feel you will be more effective in combat when wearing a skintight leather catsuit, please wear it under your normal shihakusho. Seek out Soifon-taicho to aid you in altering your clothes to make them easier to remove in battle.

**Omaeda-fukutaicho** - Whoever told you that only the truly wealthy and noble perform rain dances on the roof in tribal garb was lying.

**Soifon-taicho** - No matter what Hitsugaya-taicho told you, there is no such thing as a Menos Rave and Aizen did not kick them out for disturbing his sleep.

**Ukitake-taicho** - I assure you, there are no ninja in Seireitei. You do not have to fear for your modesty.

**Unohana-taicho** - You are not permitted to refuse someone treatment just because "they pissed me off", "they were being a fuckhead" or "they should _suffer_". Perhaps you should take a small vacation.

**Yamada Hanataro** - When someone shoves you into the women's baths, you are not allowed to file charges of rape against them.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Leave Kurosaki Ichigo alone. He does not want a rematch.


	15. Chapter 15

**Attention All Shinigami!** - If you see Hinamori-fukutaicho, do not approach her. Instead, report the sighting to Unohana-taicho or the first taicho you see, immediately.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Just because most humans cannot see you does not mean you may streak naked through the streets of the living world.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Any Shinigami caught moonlighting as an erotic dancer, phone sex operator, sex shop worker, nude model, prostitute, escort, pornographic actor or any other occupation in the adult services industry will be plying their trade in Hueco Mundo. - We are looking at _you_, Ayasegawa.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Seireitei does not have naturally occurring, roving, freak blizzards. Your excuses are becoming very weak. - Where are you going with that cult! Come back here!

**Ichimaru Gin** - You are not Henry the Eighth and your singing leaves much to be desired, especially over a megaphone. I would like to remind you that many of our Shinigami could be considered "odd" at the best of times and that psychological warfare does not work on the clinically insane. If you do not let us get a full eight hours each night, we will put into motion a plan known, quite appropriately, as Operation Flaming Undead Lemurs. You have been warned.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - You were _not_ just following orders. - Upon reviewing your claims, it has been decided that your punishment will be transferred to Kyoraku-taicho. The next time your taicho gives you such sketchy orders, please confer with Ukitake-taicho before carrying them out.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - The next time your sister kidnaps someone, you are going to be the one to clean up her mess.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - The human pop group known as Morning Musume is not the upper echelons of the super-secret zero division, the merchandise you purchased is not "evidence" and we will not be reimbursing you for the price of concert tickets. - The zero division, should it exist, does not only accept female members and is not based in the living world under the alias Hello! Project.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Stop kicking puppies and shaving kittens in an effort to be more "badass" than your predecessor. "Badass" is not synonymous with "batshit insane".

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - The words "Your hair is pretty. Can I have it?" are not to leave your mouth ever again.

**Kyoraku Shunsui** - Kuchiki Rukia is _lying_. Leave those teenage girls alone!

**Madarame Ikaku** - We will not tell you again. Stop pimping out Ayasegawa. Even if he asked you to.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - That is not what we meant! Put your clothes back on _now_!

**Soifon-taicho** - With the startling new evidence you have provided, we have been forced to reluctantly admit that yes, there may be such a thing as a Menos Rave. Now, please get rid of them. It is late and we are very tired.

**Ukitake-taicho** - When the group known as "The Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys" comes looking to recruit you, hide. They are up to no good. This should be obvious as they have the word "unholy" in their name and Ichimaru Gin is counted among their members. - No, you cannot reason with them or turn them down politely. Run. Hide. Do not confront them. They are more dangerous than they appear. We don't know where they came from or what their goal is, but they are to be considered a far greater threat than Aizen. Hitsugaya-taicho has already fallen to them. We cannot afford to lose another taicho!

**Urahara Kisuke** - Stop recalibrating soul pagers into "Awesome Detectors", setting them to go off to certain kinds of music and telling Kuchiki Rukia that they are Shinigami detectors that only detect taicho-class Shinigami and above.

**Zaraki Kenpachi** - No matter what Kuchiki Rukia said, you are not allowed to challenge the leader of Morning Musume to a fight. She is _just_ a human.  


* * *

_AN_ - Apologies for the long time, no update. I've been fighting off a persistent summer cold. It's hard to laugh when your head is filled with snot, and I don't post something if I don't get at least a small giggle from it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Attention All Arrancar!** - Come to the light side. We have ice-cream cookie cake.

**Aizen Sosuke** - No, we are not ready to give up yet. In fact, we are winning. And stop trying to lure people away with cookies! We don't want your cookies! They look like crap and taste like cardboard. - ABARAI! SPIT THAT COOKIE OUT!

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Stop trying to find your taicho a female companion by tricking unsuspecting women into a blind date with him.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - If you do not turn yourself in, we will be forced to send the lemurs after you. They know your scent. They will find you, and when they do, it will not be pleasant.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho** - Please be a bit more selective in the articles you publish. Several recent publications have been credited as giving Kurosaki Ichigo, Kurotsuchi Mayuri and Kuchiki Rukia _ideas_. Not to mention the recent string of disastrous dates and complaints filed by women who answered a personal ad reading "strong, tall man, powerful Shinigami, outgoing, great with kids, seeks unattached woman who is willing to be a mother figure" only to find out that the subject is Zaraki Kenpachi.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - I don't care that the lesser members of the cult known as TUAoWHPb have formed a religion around you and now worship you as the incarnation of a certain dragon god. You will return to your post at once! And stop releasing your bankai when asked perform a miracle!

**Inoue Orihime** - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.

**Ishida Uryu** - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Yes, you may hunt down and kill Kurosaki Ichigo and Urahara Kisuke for turning your sister into an Arrancar. Good luck, and have fun.

**Kuchiki Rukia** - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.

**Kurosaki Ichigo** - Your disappearance did not go unnoticed. We know what you did. No matter what you may claim, you did not do it for the good of Soul Society. You are hereby banished. Keep this up, and you will be executed. You are _not_ indispensable.

**Kurosaki Isshin** (or whatever you wish to be called) - First, let us express our supreme shock at seeing you alive and well in the living world. Second, we must ask that you please stop cheering your son on. He does not need encouragement to be a psychotic deviant. He is doing well enough with that on his own.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Please focus on only one thing at a time. Accidentally adding parts meant for the mind-swap device onto the new medical scanner because you got distracted by a passing Hell Butterfly is not as amusing as it sounds.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - Despite what Kurosaki Ichigo told you, you are _no one's_ love doll. Least of all _his_.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please take off that Hollow mask. You are not a Vizard. - On second thought, you may keep it. Seeing Zaraki-taicho literally skin that Arrancar alive when he offered you a cookie makes the panic you are causing worth it.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Keep your Zanpakuto sheathed. Multiplication is not always a good thing.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Stop bothering Kurotsuchi-taicho. He is far too busy to listen to you talk about what you did with three thousand rolls of toilet paper, several gallons of toothpaste and a couple dozen buckets of gold and silver glitter. - On second thought, why don't you come tell me instead.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Despite what Kurosaki Ichigo told you, you are _no one's_ love doll. Least of all _his_. Also, becoming a Vizard will not increase your breast size.

**Sado Yasutora** - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.

**Shiba Kukaku** - We know what Kurosaki Ichigo has been up to and he will be punished appropriately. You do not have to scream "Oh God! Keep him on a leash!" at us.

**Soifon-taicho** - That photo you received of Urahara Kisuke and Shihoin Yoruichi in flagrante was a badly created fake. This should have been very obvious to you as Shihoin's head was pasted onto the body of a Russian supermodel and Urahara's head was pasted onto the body of a midget. I believe you owe Urahara an apology, and you will be paying his hospital bills.

**Ukitake-taicho** - ...where did you go?

**Urahara Kisuke** - Stop turning people into Vizard! Just because your punishment stands does not mean you should commit the crime you were erroneously convicted for!

**Unohana-taicho** - Once you have sorted out which mind belongs to which body, Kurotsuchi-taicho could use your help in separating the Hollow bits from the Shinigami bits on our most recent Kurosaki Cluster Fuck™.

**Zaraki-taicho** - We appreciate the fact that you are trying to give Kusajishi-fukutaicho a happy childhood. However, Seireitei does not celebrate Christmas. Please remove the Christmas lights from your hair and replace them with your customary bells. - Even if the lights are musical and play the Carol of the Bells.


	17. Chapter 17

**Attention All!** - Anyone who is not 100% pure Shinigami, please report to Kurosaki-taicho at once. You are hereby assigned to the newly created thirteenth and three quarters division. This includes all Hollows, Quincy, Vizard, Arrancar, super powered humans, cat people and any other hybrids of a similar nature. Currently seated officers will be performing double-duty in both their old division and the unfortunately named new division.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - I did not think it was possible for you to embarrass Seireitei any more than when you decided to become a mad scientist without actually knowing anything about the subject, staged a coup of the twelfth division, replaced all members with Shinigami from the eleventh, blew it all up within the first half hour and caused a mushroom cloud that hung ominously over a good portion of Soul Society for more than a week. I see now that I was mistaken. No matter how effective it may be, please stop beating your enemies unconscious with a six foot long, hot pink, rubber phallus wielded like a sword. - Dual wielding them is not part of your Resurrección. Also, stop flaunting your Hollow powers or you will be locked up until a way is found to remove them.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - No. Just ... no. Go to your room and think about what you've done. Don't come out until you are prepared to act like a proper, _adult_ Shinigami with no bizarre sexual fetishes or deviant behaviors. We don't ask that you _become_ a proper Shinigami, as that would be asking far too much, only that you act like one.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Stop playing in the runoff from the twelfth division. That is not the way to go about gaining superpowers. You are a Shinigami. You already _have_ superpowers.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - No, you may not join the thirteenth and three quarters division on the basis that you are the incarnation of a god. You are _not_ the incarnation of a god!

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Due to your taicho's recent unexplained disappearance, we are counting on you to lead your division. This means you cannot be part of the ongoing search effort. Give the controller to Soifon-taicho and there will not be an inquiry as to why or how you managed to implant your taicho with a tracking device.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - We must, regretfully, ask you to stop trying to kill Kurosaki Ichigo. Upon witnessing the havoc he and his cohorts can wreak with proper motivation, we have decided that we'd rather be with them than against them. To this end, he has been made a taicho. Yes, we are aware that this is a recipe for disaster. Considering the alternatives, we'd prefer he unleash his chaos on our enemies rather than us.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Stop insisting everyone call you "O great and powerful Kuchiki Rukia-fukutaicho-sama". Also, the next time you smack Kuchiki-taicho in the face with your fukutaicho badge and declare "In your face, beeotch!", we will not intervene on your behalf. - What is _wrong_ with you?

**Kurosaki-taicho** - Considering your travesty of a division name, you are no longer allowed to name things. Congratulations on setting a new record for the fastest paperwork ever filed though.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Stop switching the eleventh division's paintballs for untested-mutagenic-formula-balls.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - While the circumstances of your creation may qualify you for a position in the thirteenth and three quarters division, Kurosaki-taicho does not need another fukutaicho. Also, despite what he may have told you, "fukutaicho" is not synonymous with "sex slave".

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please stop bringing home mascots for the thirteenth and three quarters division every time you visit Hueco Mundo.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You may not discipline your subordinates with a punishment involving the phrase "You've been bad. Go to my room."

**Madarame Ikaku** - Warn us the next time you feel the need for a division-wide paintball war. It inevitably escalates into a Seireitei-wide paintball-and-bankai war.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - You are forbidden from intentionally becoming a catgirl. If you _do_ become a catgirl, we will know it was intentional as you have already stated a desire to become one and you will be punished appropriately. - You do not have a right to become a catgirl just because of the form your zanpakuto spirit takes, nor do we believe that your zanpakuto put you up to it. - Yes, should your bankai involve becoming a catgirl, it will be exempt. This does not mean you should attempt to influence it in an effort to become a catgirl without reprisal, even if only temporarily.

**Soifon-taicho** - We are aware that it is imperative to maintain order and enforce the rules. However, the next time you catch one of your subordinates reading porn instead of working, please think of a better punishment than calling a meeting of the entire Gotei 13 and forcing them to read it aloud. Also, considering the content of the work and some of the questions raised by certain unnamed individuals, you will be the one to explain to Hitsugaya-taicho and the other child prodigies the finer points of BDSM.

**Ukitake-taicho** - Has anyone seen Ukitake-taicho?

**Unohana-taicho** - Stop jabbing people with needles and injecting them with sedatives when they refuse to comply with your commands.

**Urahara Kisuke** - Stop spreading rumors. Some Shinigami are naive enough to believe them.

**Yamada Hanataro** - Due to a recent spate of varied and oftentimes outlandish rumors about you, we must ask that you submit yourself to your taicho for a complete set of physical and psychological exams, then report to Soifon-taicho for tests of your combat skills. Depending on the results, you may remain at your current post or be reassigned to anything from the thirteenth and three quarters division to the zero division... should it exist.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Until the results of his tests are in, you will stop challenging Yamada Hanataro to a fight. Official position is that he is just a mild-mannered healer. He is not a superpowered crime fighter, an elite assasin, a double agent or secretly the Soul King in disguise.


	18. Chapter 18

**To the Shinigami Women's Association** - We must ask that you move your twice-weekly yoga group sessions somewhere more private. Or at least wear something more concealing than a leotard.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Stop trying to whore your subordinates to Kurosaki-taicho in hopes of getting him to defect. You are clearly unaware of the Kurosaki Effect™. If he wants that slutty, scantily-clad, female Arrancar, he will _take_ that slutty, scantily-clad, female Arrancar, and she will be glad of it. You have little to no say in it. _I_ have little to no say in it. Accept it, as I have, and move on.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop filling your taicho's clothes full of birdseed and then releasing flocks of pigeons near him. - No, you are not just trying to find the correct pigeon-to-shinigami strength-weight ratio. They are not going to carry him off and it is not funny to watch him flail wildly as they tear at his clothes and hair.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Considering what you got up to when sent to your room as punishment, you are now banned from your room. You will instead be sleeping in Kusajishi-fukutaicho's room. Footy pajamas are required.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - No, you do not get to pick your new taicho. Even if you did, "Aizen-taicho" would not be a valid choice.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho** - I suggest you become more diligent in weeding out troublemakers in your division and do not allow so many false news stories to make it to the public. You will be held responsible for every article published. It is not a tabloid. - On that note, there is no such thing as giant pigeons, they are not being used for shipping in the living world, and they are not attacking tourists and the elderly. - Stop using YouTube as your source of news for the human world.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Stop ending your written reports with "So it is written, so shall it be" and your sentences with "As I will it, so shall it be done." You are a taicho. You already have near absolute authority over your division. - You are _not_ a god.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Stop trying to seduce Kurosaki-taicho. We have given him ample reason not to defect. No matter how many times you show up to battle dressed in go-go boots, a g-string, bunny ears and a smile, he is staying right where he is; even if we have to whore the entire Gotei 13 to him.  
**  
Ise-fukutaicho** - When your taicho jokingly tells you to go to his room, you are not to surprise him there in full-body leather and six inch heels, wielding a riding crop and handcuffs.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - If you must perform a Walk of Shame, please make sure you are not also suffering from a wardrobe malfunction.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Unfortunately, Kurosaki-taicho is well within his rights to ask that you address him as such. However, we must admit, the fact that he now shrieks like a little girl at the sight of cherry blossoms and hides under his desk at the word "chire" is highly amusing.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - The price of bellydancing lessons is not to be deducted from your expense account. We have made it very clear, time and again, that the thirteenth and three quarters division is NOT a harem!

**Kurosaki-taicho** - Yes, you may personalize your taicho coat however you wish, within reason. Yes, you are required to wear it at all times. No, there is no such thing as a "taicho thong". No, you were _not_ talking about the kind that go on your feet! - We are not holding out on you!

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - You - you - ... I don't even have words for how much I despise you right now. Your position in the Gotei 13 is _very_ precarious. You will, with great haste, _personally_ chase down and capture each and every member of the thirteenth and three quarters division that you, for whatever bizarre and twisted reasons, turned into their inner Hollow selves and then enlarged exponentially, and FIX THEM, or I will give your position back to Urahara and have you EXECUTED! - _THIS IS NOT FUNNY!  
_  
**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - When the situation is this dire, you may interrupt private meetings to make your report. Slipping a note under my door stating "Mayuri-sama wishes me to inform you that a group of experimental Hollows may have escaped confinement" does not accurately convey the seriousness of the Kurosaki Clusterfuck™ currently taking place. Do not assume that I am aware that there are several dozen Shinigami/Vizard/Quincy/Arrancar-turned-Kaiju causing havoc and smashing buildings in Seireitei.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Just because Kuchiki-taicho apparantly carries a pork bun in his sleeve "in case of emergencies" does not mean you can climb up them to find out what else he has up there.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Please consider soundproofing your personal rooms. We could hear your screams all the way from the first division.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Return those sheep immediately, and take those panties off your head.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Stop trying to rent out your taicho in the summer months as air conditioning. - No, you may not rent out floor space in his office either. Not even if you tell him that they have come to worship at his feet. We do not need anyone reinforcing his delusions of godhood.

**Soifon-taicho** - The next time you get drunk, try to overthrow me and replace me with a cat, you will be demoted.

**Ukitake-taicho** - We are very glad to have you back with us. You may return to duty once the shackle marks have faded. Please keep each and every appointment with your therapist. We do not need you to suffer delusions like Hitsugaya-taicho.

**Yamada Hanataro** - We now return you to your regularly scheduled duties. Since your test results are classified, we recommend that if you see Zaraki-taicho, you run.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Kurosaki-taicho is not your clone. Nel Tu is not Kusajishi-fukutaicho's clone. Do not encourage their behavior. It can only end badly.


	19. Chapter 19

**To the Entire Eleventh Division** - The next time someone proposes a toga party, just say no. - Having a normal party, getting hammered, stripping naked, going streaking, losing your clothes, wrapping yourselves in bedding and wearing it for the rest of the night while you proceed to get so drunk you leave a field of unconscious people covered only by sheets strewn across Seireitei and a good portion of Rukongai is not really a toga party. In the eleventh, it's called Tuesday.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Stop hijacking the Hell Butterflies and making them broadcast anti-Seireitei propaganda to the masses. - Or porn.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - If you feel a toga party is absolutely necessary, please keep it confined to one area of Seireitei. The rest of us have no desire to see a drunken Zaraki-taicho beat up a helpless shopkeeper for the imagined crime of looking up his bedsheet. - Actually, most of us have no desire to see Zaraki-taicho in only a bedsheet _at all_, much less on a windy day.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Throwing a temper tantrum just because we won't allow you to wear more "beautiful" shoes with your shihakusho was highly immature. As punishment, you will take that hammer and pry up each and every pair of shoes you nailed to the roof like shingles and return them to their proper owners.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - You are hereby forbidden to ever again take "fukutaicho lessons" from Kusajishi-fukutaicho.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Stop freezing your division's doors shut in an effort to keep Matsumoto-fukutaicho out.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Please stop sending Kurosaki-taicho naughty love notes. You are disturbing him and making Matsumoto-fukutaicho jealous. Also, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's fuck" does not rhyme.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Stop taking lessons from Ichimaru Gin on seduction.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - Just because Seireitei is having a "quiet" day does not mean it is the start of the apocalypse. You should know better than to say things like that.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - No, you may not have dual membership in both the thirteenth and the thirteenth and three quarters divisions. Neither of you are anything but Shinigami. - Stop bugging Kurotsuchi-taicho. He is not going to turn you into Vizard. He is in enough trouble as it is. - Stop bugging Urahara. He _may_ turn you into Vizard, but he may also turn you into anything from a full Hollow to a common garden slug. He is _not_ to be trusted. - I believe you have been warned to stop stalking Kurosaki-taicho. For the last time, he is _**not**_ Shiba Kaien!

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Reverse psychology is not to be tried on Kurosaki-taicho.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Though it negated much damage to person and property, and was fairly amusing, you should not cover your taicho in catnip in anticipation of a fight with Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - This is the one and only time you may use "He followed me home. Can I keep him?" to excuse your actions. We are well aware that he did indeed just follow you home, and yes, you may keep him, provided you take full responsibility for his care. Feed him, walk him, keep him entertained and keep him away from Zaraki-taicho. We have enough "unplanned construction projects" because of you two as it is. We don't need to add an Arrancar to the mix.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - You should not force your subordinates to wear big bird costumes and attempt to mate with ostriches in an effort to create chocobos. I don't care that you already have a recipe for "Kentucky Fried Chocobo" and that it promises to be "finger lickin' good".

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - "Kill me now" is a figure of speech. It does not mean the speaker wishes you to pounce and begin to choke them. - Alright, so Kyoraku-taicho may have intended for you to do so. This does not mean you _should_.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Stop trying to shave Komamura-taicho to see what's under all that fur.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - When we asked you to teach a class at the academy, we did not mean Sex Ed. The academy does not _have_ a Sex Ed class. - This does not mean you can begin class with "Heads down on desks. Sensei's got a hangover." - Stay away from the impressionable young Shinigami-of-tomorrow.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Latex paint is not a substitute for clothing, no matter how artfully done.

**Soifon-taicho** - I understand that you may be frustrated with the ineffectiveness of some of your subordinates. However, when issuing orders in a combat situation, "You go that way! You go around the back! You run in a circle, pull your hair and scream like a girl!" is not the way to make it known when one of them is panicking.

**Ukitake-taicho** - When Zaraki-taicho offered you a ride, it did not mean what you thought it did. Answering his offer, no matter how lewd it may have seemed to be, with your shikai was overreacting. Have you missed one of your therapy sessions?

**Unohana-taicho** - Please do not torment the emotionally frail.

**Yamada Hanataro** - Just because you heard Kotetsu-fukutaicho say that it has been "very quiet lately" does not mean that her casual remark of how it must herald the beginning of the apocalypse is actually correct. - Get out of Hitsugaya-taicho's oubliette. It is not a bomb shelter.

**Zaraki-taicho** - You are not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. - Despite claims to the contrary, it is obvious that you are a very intelligent individual. It takes a great deal of time, planning and research to pull off your latest stunt. To scour Hueco Mundo for lesser Hollows that look like monsterous horses, all in very specific colors, must have taken quite a bit of patience. We are aware that there was a minor scuffle over who would have the red Hollow-horse, but find it very appropriate that Kusajishi-fukutaicho took on the role of War, even if she only wanted it because red is close to pink and it reminds her of the freshly spilt blood of her enemies. We hope that Madarame has recovered from his injuries, but feel we must point out that his white Hollow-horse was very red itself by the time he finished bleeding all over it. Also, ignoring the methods by which you enforce order among your division, we must thank you for making Ayasegawa wash the glitter off his black Hollow-horse, despite how "unattractive" and "plain" it may have been. Hanging the severed heads of Arrancar, expressions frozen in horror, from the horns of your pale Hollow-horse was also a very effective tactic for spreading terror throughout the ranks of the enemy. (We will refrain from asking why or where you keep the heads of your defeated enemies.) While Seireitei cannot officially condone your methods, I feel that it must be said: When the four of you leapt out of that Senkaimon on horseback, waving your Zanpakuto overhead, with the entirety of the Eleventh Division on your heels, all letting out battle cries the likes of which have not been heard since the dawn of time, we feel quite certain that Aizen shat himself. On behalf of all of Soul Society, I thank you.


	20. Chapter 20 Halloween Special

**To All Shinigami **_**(and anyone else who took part in this madness)**_ - What happened on Halloween shall never be spoken of again.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Just because it's Halloween does not mean you should send the entirety of Hueco Mundo to the living world to knock on doors and ask for candy. - I don't care how many spiritually-aware kids are traumatized by the widespread carnage that ensued, nor how many psychics are convinced it's the apocalypse, if you send Hollows to the human world, we _will_ respond by sending the thirteenth and three quarters division after them. - Stop trying to counter us apocalypse-for-apocalypse. It was not the apocalypse! It was _Zaraki_!

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - The next time Kuchiki-fukutaicho offers to "help" you with your costume, run away. Run far away and do not return until Halloween is over. - No, it was _not_ funny! You left a trail of fainted females, and more than a few males, behind you wherever you went! We had to assign a crew of straight men and bent women to follow you and move the unconscious bodies to the hospital. - You are hereby forbidden from ever wearing leather pants again.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - I...we...you see...that is...ah... Whoever put you in that fairy costume... We're not sure whether we should scold them, or congratulate them... We are very confused by this.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - From now on, all your Halloween costumes require authorization from at least two taicho. - No matter how cute you are, showing up at people's doors dressed in your shihakusho, a pair of glasses and one of Aizen's old coats and saying, "I'm Aizen-taicho! Can I have some candy?" is guaranteed to receive wary looks, at the very least. - Kira-fukutaicho was well within his rights to glare and slam the door on you. - Have you been missing your therapy sessions again?

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Going around in Bankai does not constitute a Halloween costume.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Your "House of Terror" was not appreciated. By anyone. - While its name certainly indicated the unfathomable horrors that lay within, when you stand outside in a thong, bunny tail and bunny ears, it can be very misleading. - We are unsure your outfit can even be called a costume, considering the amount of time you spend wearing it. - This is going to come back to bite you in the ass, you know. Cthulhu was very displeased at having his sleep disturbed for a Halloween haunted house.

**Inoue Orihime** - When a group of Hollows knock on your door and ask for candy, you should not don your Vizard mask and join them in trick-or-treating. - Kuchiki-fukutaicho is the one who convinced you to dress as a bunnygirl for the party, isn't she?

**Ise-fukutaicho** - Your very convincing Cenobite costume is going down in history as the most effective Anti-Hollow weapon Soul Society has ever seen. While you may have only been trying to give them candy, the way you drove those hordes of Hollows before you as they fled screaming in terror is something we will never forget.

**Ishida Uryu** - When a group of Hollows knock on your door and ask for candy, you should not respond with a girlish shriek and slam the door in their face. This just makes them more determined.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - If you didn't want to crossdress, you should have investigated the character before allowing Kuchiki-fukutaicho to pick your costume. You should know by now that Kuchiki-fukutaicho's choice in manga is odd and the ideas it gives her even odder. In fact, you should have ran and hid the moment her eyes lit up at the sight of you.

**Komamura-taicho** - Just because your appearance is unique does not mean you are already wearing a costume. You should have known that excuse wouldn't work on Kusajishi-fukutaicho.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - Drugging yourself into unconsciousness to avoid the chaos of Halloween was truly inspired. However, while no one could wake you and thereby could not include you in the "festivities", you missed _a lot_. Also, that bleeding head wound was caused by Kusajishi-fukutaicho slamming your head into the floor repeatedly in an attempt to wake you. Thought you should know.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - For the last time, leave Kurosaki-taicho alone! Stop trying to dye his hair black! He is not going as Shiba Kaien for Halloween! - Alright, I stand corrected. I give up. Do whatever you want. He seems to think it's funny anyway.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - It's your own fault. You shouldn't have tried to refuse to participate in Halloween when Kuchiki-fukutaicho was so adamant. - Just because she forced you to dress like a vampire and then proceeded to get so drunk she tried to seduce Kurosaki-taicho does not mean you should head her off by getting into character and seducing him first. - Even if it was worth it when his brain seemingly overloaded, shut down and he passed out, crushing the jack-o-lantern, knocking over a set of candles and setting his clothes on fire. - I will be wanting a copy of those pictures, if you don't mind.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Your bunnygirl costume was absolutely indecent. Stop taking your cues from Ichimaru Gin.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Putting on your Halloween costume should not involve the phrase "altered my genetic sequence to incorporate squid DNA". - In fact, you don't need a costume. Just come as you are.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - "Lady Godiva" is only a proper costume choice if you're not actually naked. - Please wear a wig next time. Your hair is not long enough to obey decency laws. - Halloween is not just an excuse for public nudity. Don't believe everything Kyoraku-taicho says.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - We must admit, you were the cutest little princess at the Seireitei Halloween Party. You were also the _only_ princess at the Seireitei Halloween Party who came dressed in a sparkly pink dress covered in the blood of her enemies. - Going home to wash up after that impromptu Hollow slaughter wouldn't have taken up too much of your time. You would still have made it in time for trick-or-treating.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - Stop rolling Seireitei and blaming it on your children. - Get back up here and clean up your mess!

**Kurosaki-taicho** - With those contacts and your hair dyed black, I must ask... Have you ever looked into past life regression?

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Just because you are a taicho does not mean you can force all the females in your division to dress as pirates for Halloween. You are not a pirate captain and they are not your "saucy wenches".

**Madarame Ikaku** - Has anyone seen Madarame? He never turned up after last Tuesday's "toga party". All we've found is his sheet, some drag marks and a trail of crushed cookies which disappears abruptly. We believe the cookies may be chocolate chip, and they taste suspiciously like cardboard.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Wearing a g-string and painting your breasts to look like missiles is not an acceptable costume. The thigh-high stilettos do not make up for the fact that you _did not have anything on the TOP HALF!_

**Sado Yasutora** - When a group of Hollows knock on your door and ask for candy, you should not respond with a mixed bag of Snickers, Pocky and candy apples.

**Shiba Kukaku** - Forcing your family to dress as zombies and re-enact a scene from Thriller on our rooftops does not mean you "took Seireitei by storm". That was actually one of the _highlights_ of an evening including such sights as proudly naked women, Eldritch Abominations, Kira in drag, Abarai in tight pants, trick-or-treating Hollows, bunnyboys and bunnygirls, oversexed and drunken pirates, Ukitake-taicho crying all over Kurosaki-taicho, and _both_ Kuchiki trying to seduce Kurosaki-taicho at the same time.

**Shihoin Yoruichi** - It is not recommended to sit outside Urahara Shoten in your cat form on Halloween and hiss at passersby.

**Soifon-taicho** - I must say, we were all quite surprised by how well you pulled off your "Yoruichi-sotaicho-sama" costume, even if I do find it a bit disturbing.

**Ukitake-taicho** - Just because it is Halloween does not mean Hitsugaya-taicho wants any candy. - Also, please watch your alcohol intake. Despite his costume, that is still Kurosaki-taicho. As your two third seats can tell you, official policy states that he is _not_ Shiba Kaien. - Of course, official policy has been wrong before...

**Unohana-taicho** - Refusing to treat our Shinigami for stomachaches and hangovers due to massive quantities of candy and alcohol is cold, cruel and just plan evil. - I did _not_ overindulge. Those candies were tainted!

**Urahara Kisuke** - No, you may not bill Seireitei for the fees required to get Shihoin out of the pound.

**Yamada Hanataro** - Dressing as a prince, complete with crown and scepter, did not help stop the rumors.

**Zaraki-taicho** - No one wants to hear your drunken, perverted ramblings about what you want to do to Matsumoto-fukutaicho, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho, Inoue Orihime, Soifon-taicho, Kuchiki-fukutaicho and Kurosaki-taicho. - Also, that was not a woman. That was Kira-fukutaicho and he did not appreciate your hand up his skirt.


	21. Chapter 21

**To all Shinigami **- Seireitei does not celebrate "Talk Like a Pirate Day". If I hear one more "arr", heads are gonna roll.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Just because you "love the smell of fear in the morning" does not mean you should sneak into Seireitei just to perch on people's beds and hover over their faces moments before their alarm clock goes off, no matter how girly their shrieks may be.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - The song will end. It will not go on and on, and we are not your friends. "Some people" did not start singing it. _You_ started singing it and you knew exactly what it was. If we have to tape your mouth shut, you will not continue singing it, especially not forever. I think I speak for everyone when I say "_Shut the hell up_!"

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - "All I know is that it started in the bathroom, and it involved 150 tons of honey, a wild boar's head, a 5-foot-tall papier-mache rhinoceros, several hundred unripened bananas and a US Navy depth charge" does not adequately explain why you hopped into your division this morning dazed, wrapped from neck-to-ankles in cellophane and naked except for a superman cape.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez** - Welcome to the Gotei 13. Please don't eat the souls.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - You are not taking that swordfish into battle. Put it back where you found it.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - "Release the hounds" is not a proper response when your fukutaicho squashes your head between her breasts and hugs you tightly.

**Ichimaru Gin** - We do not need any more entertainment. Seireitei is chaos personified. You will not be staging a production of The Full Monty to the song "I'm Too Sexy". - Just because we technically do not have any authority over you anymore does not mean you should shout "You're not my real mother!", run into a random room and slam the door angrily. Even if it _is_ slightly funny to watch the door immediately reopen and the entirety of the fourth division come pouring out in a panic, screaming about foxy bunny-devils who have come to molest them and eat their souls.

**Inoue Orihime** - We understand that you, like many others in Kurosaki-taicho's division, have not had the proper training most receive before becoming shinigami. That said, we have noticed a recent influx of traumatized souls arriving in Soul Society that seem to think they are in Hell and that I am the devil. We have tracked the origin of the souls to the area of the living world you have recently been assigned to patrol. I feel that it is my duty to make it clear to you that your heartfelt speech to recently departed souls about how passing on to Soul Society is for the best should not end with you emphatically declaring "Hail Satan!" just before you preform konso.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - Your twenty years of accrued paid vacation time is not to be taken consecutively.

**Ishida Uryu** - Stop accepting dates you have no intention of showing up for. - Even if you send Zaraki-taicho in your place. Zaraki-taicho is not an acceptable substitute for _anything_.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Despite what Kuchiki-fukutaicho told you, there is no such thing as an EmoScale and Ulquiorra Schiffer is not EmoKing to your EmoLord. Even if there _were_ such a thing, having a lower score would be a _good_ thing. - Stop trying to out-emo people. "It's not intentional" is no excuse. - Unohana-taicho would like to see you. Something about "happy pills".

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Stop following me around with fire extinguishers and spraying me whenever I so much as _look_ like I'm about to release my zanpakuto. - Kurosaki put you up to this, didn't he?

**Kuchiki-taicho** - It is not a cruel joke played by Kurosaki-taicho. Your newest recruit's name really _is_ Hisana. However, it is not _that_ Hisana. Sorry. - Kyoraku-taicho has graciously agreed to take her off your hands.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - When your friends get drunk and pass out, you are not to strip them naked, put cat ears on their heads and place them in Kurosaki-taicho's bed. - Nor Kuchiki-taicho's. - Even if Grimmjow said you could. He does not have any sort of authority, at all. _You_ are supposed to be the authority in your division. - That does not mean you don't need to ask permission before embarking on one of your escapades.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - If you happen to wake up from a night of hard drinking to find Abarai-fukutaicho asleep in your bed, naked except for a pair of cat ears, your first course of action should not be to leap from the bed, run down the hall and angrily pound on your fukutaicho's door, making demands that we are not sure are physically possible to comply with. Instead, your first course of action should always be to put on pants.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - We appreciate your assistance, but we must kindly request that you do not interfere in battles we are already winning only to declare "I've come to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum!" If you behave, we will _give_ you more bubblegum.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - You are hereby forbidden to show up for duty without your ridiculous costume on. It confuses people and the last thing we need is a fanclub dedicated to _you_. Ever since Aizen, we like our evil to _look_ evil, and our crazies to _look_ crazy.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - Stop mimicking your taicho. He is not a role model for anything, except Crazy.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Non-flammable is not a challenge.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You are not on a treasure hunt for "booty". Halloween is over. Take off the pirate costume.

**Madarame Ikaku** - As there is no supporting evidence, you have been denied leave for "recuperative purposes" following your disappearing act. The fact that you reappeared on your own three days later, naked, disoriented and covered in bite marks, does not lend credence to your claims that you were captured by Aizen and imprisoned in Las Noches. Your story of how you were tied up by your wrists, dangling from the ceiling, and somehow managed to gnaw through your bonds, fashioned a parachute out of toilet paper, slipped out a window, glided to the ground, stalked an Arrancar, pounced him the moment he opened a Garganta, and leaped through to freedom are frankly ridiculous. While we usually cannot disbelieve anything concerning Urahara, it is just silly to believe that you could sneak across half of Japan naked, into his shop, incapacitate him and "borrow" his Senkaimon to return to Soul Society. If you continue to make up such wild stories, we will have to bar you from consuming alcohol.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Stop feeding the Hell Butterflies sake. "I was drunk at the time" is no excuse.

**Shihoin Yoruichi** - Pick a form and stay in it. Your habit of changing from cat to woman in public, then walking around naked, is hampering the effectiveness of our male shinigami, and Soifon.

**Soifon-taicho** - No matter how rude Zaraki-taicho is, when he bumps into you and doesn't apologize, you should not attempt to get revenge by dropping to the ground and faking a seizure. He'll just laugh and ask if he gets your division if you die.

**Ukitake-taicho** - Your drunken karaoke left all hearts aflutter, at least until you suffered a severe case of hiccups and then dissolved into giggles near the end. Even then, we saw a few women swoon. The members of the Shinigami Men's Association feel you should be warned that you are dangerously close to being kidnapped, again. Please take steps to ensure that you are never alone with, or off your guard near, any member of the Shinigami Women's Association. As possibly the only taicho who is both effective _and_ well liked, we cannot afford to lose you for any amount of time.

**Unohana-taicho** - When that hypochondriac asks you, for the fifth time this week, what he has, you should not tell him with a completely straight face, "Leprosy."

**Urahara Kisuke** - Keep your minions out of Soul Society.

**Yamada Hanataro** - Please stop shrinking people's clothing a few centimeters at a time over a period of months to make them think they're growing, even when they've already reached their full height. - Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Kusajishi-fukutaicho and Hitsugaya-taicho would like to speak with you.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Just because you wear an eye patch _all_ the time does not mean you are 50% more pirate than anyone else. - Stop beating up those ninja.


	22. Chapter 22

**To All Female Shinigami** - Please stop publicly discussing and comparing the physical attributes of your conquests. - This doesn't mean you may publicly speculate about those you have _not_ bedded either. - It is _not_ a foregone conclusion that Zaraki-taicho, just by value of being one of the tallest, broadest and strongest men around, is likewise comparable below the belt and thus puts all others to shame. No matter how he encourages this rumor. - Stop trying to emasculate your comrades.

**Aizen Sosuke** - For sneaking those Jehovah's Witnesses into Seireitei, you will die. - On second thought, upon defeat, you will become Kusajishi-fukutaicho's new playmate. Yes, there _are _fates worse than the total obliteration of your soul.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - Stop obeying the voices in your head. That is your inner Hollow, not your conscience. - Even if it _is_ your conscience, you should still know better than to leap naked out of Kurosaki-taicho's birthday cake.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- Your division is not build on an ancient people's sacred burial ground, there are no ghosts haunting the barracks and you aren't fooling anyone. Everyone knows what those sounds are, except perhaps Kusajishi-fukutaicho. Would you like to be the one to explain it to her?

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- There is no such thing as an application form to change your release command. Even if there were, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pantera" would not receive official approval.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- We do not tar and feather people we don't like. Your new taicho is to be obeyed, not attacked.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho** - I don't know what "photoshop" is, but you will immediately stop printing anything involving it. - I am not _pregnant_! Those pictures are clearly false!

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- Stop ending all of your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". - I thought you'd gotten past this?

**Ichimaru Gin** - Stop kidnapping Matsumoto-fukutaicho and disappearing for weeks on end. - If you absolutely _must_, could you at least leave a note? Hitsugaya-taicho starts looking for replacements after a day and a half.

**Ise-fukutaicho**- Death Note slip covers are not as amusing as you think.

**Ishida Uryu**- I don't know where you found that old air raid siren, but it is not the proper way to ensure we all get up on time in the morning. - "On time" does not mean "thirty-seven minutes after midnight".

**Inoue Orihime**- When you asked if your boyfriend could join the Gotei 13, we only agreed because you described him as "calm, powerful and obedient to authority". We must ask that the next time you make such a request you include such vital descriptors as "Arrancar, Espada and formerly-dead enemy" as well. - Please stop using your powers to resurrect our enemies.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - I'm not sure what you, Hinamori-fukutaicho, Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Abarai-fukutaicho, Hisagi-fukutaicho, Matsumoto-fukutaicho and Yamada Hanataro are up to, but please be advised that the next time I walk into a room to find you all huddled together on the floor with what looked like maps of the first division, leaping to your feet and shouting "The jig is up! Scramble!" will only serve to make me _more_ suspicious.

**Komamura-taicho**- If Kusajishi-fukutaicho corners you to "brush puppy's teeth," please rinse and spit before you run away. Rabies is not a laughing matter.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- We do not perform organ transplants in Soul Society, especially without our patient's permission. Not even as experiments. This goes for sex change operations as well. - The next time a male shinigami wakes up from a coma to find that they are now a woman, you will be demoted.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- Stop running into rooms, pointing behind you, grabbing your hair and screaming in terror at the top of your lungs, then faking fainting while everyone else panics as they try to figure out what is going on and if they should be running away.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Just because Kurosaki-taicho glued your zanpakuto in its sheath does not mean you should bludgeon him with the fused result.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho**- Stop locking your brother in closets with Kurosaki-taicho.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - Stop trying to blame your actions on your Hollow self. He is not a split personality and we are holding you responsible for all actions committed by _any _being in possession of your body. If you can't fight them off and maintain control, you don't deserve to be a taicho.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho**- Despite what Zaraki-taicho said, Painted Streetwalkers are not a type of bird and we will not be importing them for study.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Please return to Soul Society at once. Those are flamingos. - If your taicho orders you to the living world to bring back specimens, inform another taicho immediately so we can stop you.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- You do not need a hip holster for your pocky. Stop requisitioning one.

**Kyoraku-taicho**- When Soifon-taicho goes to the human world for a brief vacation with Shihoin, you are not to follow them around with a camera hoping to have a lesbian porn photo op. - If you somehow do manage to acquire said pictures, you are not allowed to distribute them to others. - Or start your own "candid camera" company.

**Madarame Ikaku** - We do not have an Explosive Ordinance Detonation Squad and even if we did, _you _would not be in charge of it.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho**- You are not to label your trashcan as your Inbox for paperwork.

**Sado Yasutora **- My apologies. After a review of your file, it appears Danger really is your middle name.

**Shihoin Yoruichi** - Stop making attempts on my life by leaping out of Soifon-taicho's clothes, changing form mid-leap, lunging at me naked, shouting "Banzai Jiji!" and shaking your breasts in my face. I am not going to have a heart attack and die. Even if I did, _you_ would not be my replacement.

**Soifon-taicho**- Stop smuggling Shihoin in cat form into meetings in your clothes.

**Ukitake-taicho**- When eating cherries, please remove the stem and discard it before placing the fruit in your mouth. This is good policy as the stems present a choking hazard, but recently we have received many requests from innocent onlookers that a new policy be made to prevent you from tying the stems in knots with your tongue before discarding them. It seems anyone who witnesses this display develops spontaneous nosebleeds and often spends many hours afterwords in a daze. Unohana-taicho is running out of room for the afflicted.

**Urahara Kisuke**- When asked what you are doing, the answer should not be "Sacrificing Sasakibe to the Dark Gods of the Netherworld."

**Unohana-taicho**- Ikebana should not end in tragedy.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Please stop destroying evidence. We are running out of fire extinguishers.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Stop coming up with inventive slang terms for prostitutes and convincing Kurotsuchi-taicho to ask for permission to study them.

* * *

_AN_ - Today is my birthday and I have a new appreciation for the complaints of people who regularly have birthdays on holidays. Not a single person remembered, other than my mother. Even my godfather had to be reminded and this is the first time in twenty-seven years that I have not received a birthday present from him. Kinda sucks.


	23. Chapter 23

**To All Female Shinigami** - Just because a Star Wars convention is coming to Soul Society does not mean that you must _all_ cosplay as slave Leia. - Kyoraku-taicho does not have the authority to countermand my orders.

**Aizen Sosuke**- We are afraid to ask why you are building a railroad through Soul Society.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- Stop selling tickets to watch your taicho "train" members of your division.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- When your comrades are in danger, you should not stand back and remark, "It's nice to see fellow Hollows in such large numbers like this. I feel so comfortable." Get in there and rescue them. Less quipping, more saving.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho**- There is no such thing as Boxer Bandits. There is no need to report on their activities. - Undercover work is not needed. Remove that undergarment from your head. - It's not "undercover work" if you're actually one of them.

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- Just because Kuchiki-fukutaicho has an ice/snow type zanpakuto does not mean she wants to join your cult as the high priestess.

**Ichimaru Gin**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Inoue Orihime**- Unfortunately, if you declare yourself "Inoue-kami-sama, Queen of Hueco Mundo" you will have to resign as a shinigami due to a conflict of interests. - On second thought, we of Soul Society congratulate you on your ascension to the throne and hope to keep a good working relationship with you. Also, please tell your new vassal, "Aizen-puppy", that he brought this on himself.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - Stop addressing Zaraki-taicho as "Aries, God of War." We do not need _another _cult based around the worship of a shinigami.

**Ishida Uryu**- It has recently come to our attention that you failed to inform your father that you would be joining us here in Seireitei. Just because you are a "unique mix of Hollow, Quincy and Awesome" does not mean you may ignore the authority of your legal guardian. In the thirteenth and three quarters division, you aren't really that unique at all. Go tell him you've disobeyed his wishes and deal with the consequences. - This does not mean you should lead a cadre of academy students on an "expedition to recover lost treasure in the lair of the evil overlord". - You are no longer allowed to be a guest speaker at the academy. - On second thought, you are no longer allowed within fifty feet of the academy. - What are you doing with that bullhorn?

**Kira-fukutaicho**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- "Oh god, it's loose! Somebody get the catch-pole!" is not something I ever want to hear again.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- Remove those undergarments from your heads.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- I understand that Kusajishi-fukutaicho is very persistent, but once you find the glue remover, please remove that undergarment from your head.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Just because you have more male than female friends does not mean we will call you Big Mama and you may not attempt to pimp them out. - Stop hanging out with Ayasegawa. - I did not mean that you should hang out with _those_ deviants instead. Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - If, after several minutes of embarrassingly one-sided combat in which you have not even drawn your zanpakuto, your opponent begs you to _please _just kill him, the proper response is a quick dispatching blow, not "Hell no! I'm having too much fun beating on you!"

**Kurotsuchi-taicho**- When surrounded by Hollows, with your zanpakuto out of commission, severely weakened and facing almost certain death, you are not to say "Fuck it", reach into your robes, pull out That Device and press the button. Nuclear weapons are not toys, not even for you. - After you pull yourself together, we must ask that all work on The Annihilator Mark II stop immediately.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Please keep in mind that dinosaurs are extinct for a reason. You may not resurrect them, no matter how awesome it may be to unleash them on Hueco Mundo. - We of Seireitei believe you are spending far too much time alone with your taicho. Please consider taking up a hobby. Soifon-taicho has extended to you an invitation to join her new needlepoint club.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- Stop gluing things to people.

**Kyoraku-taicho**- You should not challenge others to "donut-hanging contests" to see who can hang the most donuts from their person. Especially not if you wait for the others to finish, then drop your pants. - The Boxer Bandits are not copying you, just because you often wake up that way.

**Madarame Ikaku**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho**- Stop offering to make Hitsugaya-taicho a man. It gets his hopes up, then makes him both angry and depressed as he realizes you were not speaking literally. - Yes, even if you do it just so you can try to cheer him up later. - Remove those panties from your head. I don't think you quite understand the concept behind the "Boxer" Bandits.

**Shiba Ganju**- Considering your affiliation with Kurosaki-taicho, we shall ignore your sudden and highly suspicious shift in attitude about shinigami. However, when you apply for a position in the Gotei 13, it is best to just say you want to join the thirteenth and three quarters division rather than repeatedly asking "Do I get to blow shit up?" We like to keep our whack jobs in more or less the same place.

**Shiba Kuukaku**- Firing red bottle rockets into Seireitei and blaming it on Urahara only works the first time.

**Shihoin Yoruichi**- Please do not barge into meetings, throw Soifon-taicho over your shoulder, declare that you are borrowing her for a while and shunpo away.

**Soifon-taicho** - A trained ape could _not_ do Zaraki-taicho's job. Get rid of those simians at once. - We honestly did not realize that you had drugged the entire eleventh division, stashed them in Hitsugaya-taicho's oubliette and replaced them all with apes. On second thought, your idea has merit. Carry on.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- Despite what Grimmjow told you, it is not a requirement in the Gotei 13 to have a snappy comment ready for use before you begin a battle. We will be docking your pay for the therapy of the half-dozen Shinigami who heard you say "This hurts me almost as much as it hurts you. No, on second thought, it really doesn't." before ripping your enemy's head off.

**Ukitake-taicho**- Please stop teaching new recruits the Kurosaki Route-to-Power™. Our taicho and fukutaicho are tired of being challenged by academy students.

**Unohana-taicho**- When the exact same members of the eleventh show up for the third time in as many hours and ask you to reattach their limbs so they can get back to the brawl already in progress, please do not open a portal to Hell and shove them through. Wasting your time is not technically a crime worthy of eternal torment.

**Urahara Kisuke**- "I didn't think anyone would notice" is no excuse. Stop picking on my fukutaicho.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Remove that undergarment from your head.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Stop telling people to "Save a horse, ride a Shinigami." When was the last time you saw a Shinigami riding a horse? - Yourself, Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Madarame and Ayasegawa do not count. - Remove that undergarment from your head. - For the last time, stop encouraging your fukutaicho!

* * *

**AN**- So, boy do I feel like an idiot. When this site changed its user area system thing, one of my browser addons decided ffnet was Teh Devil and I was no longer allowed to use it. Of course, every time in the past that I couldn't use the site, it had been ffnet's fault. For months, I didn't even consider disabling my addons for this site. Thus, no updates. In fact, I couldn't even read here. I deserted ffnet like a rat from a sinking ship. But now I'm back!

**Also** - HOLY PRADA, BATMAN! I'm on TV Tropes! _Twice_! I found a reference to this fic under Suspiciously Specific Denial _and_ as a Bleach fic rec. How can I not update after that?


	24. Chapter 24

**Attention All**- Romantic entanglements with the enemy do not entitle you to diplomatic immunity.

**Aizen Sosuke**- Kidnapping female shinigami, tying them to railroad tracks and attempting to run them over with a train does not make you a "card carrying villain".

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- There is no need to include in your reports any extracurricular activities, unless they directly influence your mission. Your five page report on the dance lessons Kuchiki-fukutaicho made you take, your debut at a club and your subsequent education in the fine art of pickup lines is going in the trash. - Though, I must admit, there was some nice use of prose. I had no idea there were so many synonyms for passionate.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- Stop flirting with straight men just to confuse them.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez** - Kurosaki-taicho does not have a tattooed penis and no one believes your stories about how you found out, and thank you so much for _those_ mental images.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho **- Aizen does not have diplomatic immunity just because you want to "hug him and squeeze him and love him all to death".

**Hisagi-fukutaicho**- No matter how tired you may be of answering such questions, when someone asks if your tattoo is an indication of your sexual specialty, the proper response is never a punch in the face.

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- You may not declare a holy war on another division in your own name.

**Ichimaru Gin**- If you didn't want all of Seireitei to know your business then you shouldn't have chained yourself naked to Matsumoto-fukutaicho's bed and swallowed the key, necessitating the use of bolt cutters and a team of helpful workmen.

**Inoue Orihime**- Stop using your boyfriend's special abilities to acquire "funtime footage" for the Shinigami Women's Association.

**Ise-fukutaicho**- Seireitei is not Mt. Olympus. I am not Zeus, nor am I Uranus. (It is not pronounced how you think it is.) Unohana-taicho is not Hera. Stop convincing academy students to address Zaraki-taicho as "Lord Aries" and Kyoraku-taicho as "Great Dionysus".

**Ishida Ryuken**- We didn't kidnap your son. He came willingly, whether we wanted him to or not. - If you can take him, feel free. Otherwise, stop attacking us.

**Ishida Uryu**- Stop blaming me for your actions!

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Just because your division seems unable to keep a taicho does not mean you may declare _yourself_ taicho. If you want to be taicho, achieve bankai and do it like (almost) everyone else.

**Komamura-taicho**- Considering the unfortunate result of "Puppy's Bathtime", you are excused from duty until the dye wears off.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- You did not start World War II. That was a hallucination you had after being jabbed with a needle full of sedative by an uncooperative Zaraki-taicho.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- Stop following Ayasegawa around and providing a running commentary of his actions in an overly dramatic Australian accent. He is not a rare and endangered, vibrantly plumaged fowl and while he may be attempting to entice Madarame to mate, we do not need you to describe his mating dance.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Due to the frequency with which you find yourself locked in a closet with Kurosaki-taicho, we must ask that you always carry some sort of paperwork with you, otherwise it may never get done. Or you could tie a bell on your sister. Either way works.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho**- Stop putting up lost posters of Neliel tu Odersvank claiming that Kurosaki-taicho has lost his Shoulder Pet.

**Kurosaki-taicho**- Kuchiki-taicho does not have a pierced tongue and no one believes your stories about how you found out.

**Kurosaki Isshin**- Stop tricking unsuspecting shinigami into believing you are the new taicho for any division, giving them bizarre orders and running away back to the living world before anyone realizes you are the wrong "Kurosaki-taicho".

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- We know where our genitals are. You do not need to label them for us.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho**- When people scream at the sight of you and flee in the opposite direction, it should not give you feelings of warmth and satisfaction.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Considering your biology is a mystery to us and we cannot say for certain whether or not you suffer from PMS, your assault of your taicho is forgiven.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - No matter how many times you ask, no matter how many forms you fill out or official proposals you draw up, we will not be replacing the female shihakusho with a steel bra, thigh-high stockings, miniskirt, stilettos and nurse cap. - There has _got_ to be something more constructive you can do with your time.

**Madarame Ikaku**- The moonwalk is a dance move, not an actual way of walking. Stop it.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho**- Stop telling vulgar stories during work hours.

**Shihoin Yoruichi**- Only when you are in cat form may you clean yourself in public.

**Soifon-taicho** - Please do not ever again attempt to teach Yamada Hanataro _anything_.

**Ukitake-taicho**- A vorpal bunny is not as cute as it sounds and I doubt Hitsugaya-taicho would appreciate receiving it as a gift.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- Movie night should not begin with the removal of an eye.

**Unohana-taicho**- Leeches should not be a part of your medical arsenal.

**Urahara Kisuke**- "I was bored" does not adequately explain why you felt the need to conquer Hell.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Congratulations on finally learning Shunpo. Never use it again.

**Zaraki-taicho** - I am frankly amazed at what the eleventh division is capable of when properly motivated and fully sober. That you managed to get everyone in your division to pool their savings to install a series of hot springs and build an elaborate spa is an amazing, yet odd, undertaking, but we have had a remarkable fifty percent rise in productivity since its construction. My only suggestions are that you hire actual masseurs instead of staffing it entirely with members of your division and that you open it up to men as well.

* * *

_AN_ = If no one has yet noticed, I have trouble spelling Grimmjow's and Nel's names. I blame it on the fact that, no matter where I look for the proper spellings, they're always spelled differently that the last place I looked. At least Ulquiorra only has two or three different spellings for his last name. It was easy enough to pick the one that I thought sounded most correct.


	25. Chapter 25

**Attention All**- The Culture Festival is temporarily on hold while we rebuild and clean up the blood.

**Aizen Sosuke** - You and your subordinates are not invited to the culture festival, not even if you volunteer to work security. _You_ are what security should be guarding against.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- Acme is already a licensed trademark. Your stall selling anvils, giant slingshots and black "thru" holes must be renamed.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - You are not the grand prize for _every_ game at the festival and not everyone can be a winner.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- "What occurs in the privacy of the bedroom is no one's business but my own" is only valid if it is actually done in private. Closets, darkened alleyways and mostly empty hallways of hotels do not count as private. - An open-air booth is not private either, even if you name it "Grimmjow's Private Detective Agency." You are not a private detective. You are an Arrancar that is still on probation.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- Throwing bouncy balls into a bouncy castle does not make it "extra fun". Especially not if you stand back and giggle as everyone trips over the balls and goes flying into one another. - Soft bouncy toys in a soft bouncy castle does not automatically equal safe. I don't believe you are taking the hard, wildly flailing elbows and the soft, easily squished eyeballs into account.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho**- Whack-a-Mole is not to be played with subordinates, even if you use nerf bats.

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- No, you may not use the festival to spread your religion. Not even if you set up a booth. Stop proselytizing. - "Culture Festival" does not mean what you think it does, just because it has the word "cult" in it.

**Ichimaru Gin**- A brothel has no place at a culture festival and Kurosaki-taicho does not want to be your star attraction.

**Inoue Orihime**- Considering a certain incident that shall not be spoken of, running through the middle of the festival shouting "Zombies!" is not amusing.

**Ise-fukutaicho**- What have we told you about starting that naughty book club?

**Ishida Uryu**- Just because no one wanted to buy your clothes (I suspect because they were all white, and dresses) does not mean you may recoup your losses by setting up a toll booth and charging admission to the bathrooms.

**Kira-fukutaicho**- Perhaps comedy is just not your calling.

**Komamura-taicho**- Your "Guess My Species - Win a Prize" game should not be played like poker.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- Goldfish scooping should not involve tartar sauce and a grill.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Your cafe is lovely, but _please_ stop selling coffee to Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Hinamori-fukutaicho and Yamada Hanataro. Even Zaraki-taicho has stopped laughing at Kusajishi-fukutaicho's antics, Hinamori-fukutaicho has become markedly more homicidal than usual and Yamada's caffeine-fueled shunpo is starting to break down the fabric of reality, again.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Ever since last Halloween, you have been acting very odd. There are rumors that you have been seen doing some less than appropriate things in less than appropriate places with less than appropriate people. Not to mention the fact that your sister, when questioned, was apparantly unaware that there is supposedly a relationship between she and her taicho, despite the fact that he has been seen sneaking in and out of the Kuchiki estate at all hours of the day and night in varying states of disarray. Are you sure you're not having some kind of mid-life crisis?

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Your stall selling pastries may be wildly popular, but I feel it necessary to point out exactly what "hotcakes" are _not_. They are not made with any kind of pepper. They are not on fire. They are not made in the shape of any body part. They should not be described with any of the following words: spicy, luscious, red-hot, juicy, sizzling, delectable, succulent, risque, titillating, orgiastic, bacchanalian, salacious, lewd, aphrodisiacal, autoerotic.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - Even if you had already expressed your reluctance to participate in Kuchiki-fukutaicho's publicly performed rendition of My Fair Lady, repeatedly and emphatically, that does not give you the right to dive off the stage and attempt to strangle Abarai-fukutaicho with the ribbons on your bonnet for his heckling. We will also be forced to confiscate the zanpakuto of the entire thirteenth and three quarters division before any social event you may take part in. We don't know where you stashed it, and we don't _want_ to know, but hiking your skirt up around your thighs, declaring "I keel juu!" and lunging at Zaraki-taicho with zanpakuto in hand for his lewd comments was totally unacceptable.

**Kurosaki Isshin**- For the sake of everyone's sight, if you ever again feel the need to perform the hula, please wear pants under your grass skirt.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho**- "Dissection for Dummies" is not a proper booth.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Inoue was lying. There are no zombies. Put the shotgun away. - We appreciate your ever-ready state though.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- Please come out of there. Central 46 is not your new pretty princess castle.

**Kyoraku-taicho**- Get rid of all that sake. We've already ordered Matsumoto-fukutaicho to take down her booth.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Naked Tackle Football is not a real sport, no matter how many fake rules you make up, and we will not be creating an official league just so you can pounce the opposition's naked women. - If you create your own amateur league, I feel I should warn you that I will show up to try out, in "uniform".

Matsumoto-fukutaicho

- I appreciate that you wish to take part in the festival and everyone enjoyed your bellydancing troupe's performance. However, your booth titled "Bring Me Sake - I Flash You" must go.

**Sado Yasutora** - You may think you're fooling some people, but I assure you, I know that "grave dancing" is _not_a part of Mexican culture.

**Shiba Ganju**- Due to your disturbing ability to make a bomb out of everyday items, we must ask that you stay out of the armory, the barracks, the eleventh division, the second division, the thirteenth and three quarters division, the office of any taicho, the underground, all supply closets and the cafeteria.

**Shihoin Yoruichi**- Permission to run a "spanking booth" denied.

**Soifon-taicho**- "Spin the Bottle" is not an appropriate game for a festival. Especially not if you bar entrance to everyone but Shihoin.

**Ukitake-taicho**- You are not allowed in the kissing booth. Everyone ends up fighting and the line stretches out into the outer edges of Rukongai.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- If you didn't want your girlfriend to "reject your junk", you shouldn't have been using your abilities to share private moments with the other men in your division. - Despite what Kurosaki-taicho says, he is not qualified to study the mating habits of Arrancar.

**Unohana-taicho**- This is not a health fair. Your booth is putting us off our food.

**Urahara Kisuke**- If you don't get rid of your "Vizards-R-Us" stall, it will shortly be ash.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Stop letting Shiba Ganju into Seireitei.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Stop attending performances just to heckle the actors in the hopes of starting a fight.

* * *

**AN** = In less humorous news, don't expect updates in the near future. My aunt is having surgery on the 31st and I'll be staying with her for a few weeks. Also, I went to the doctor today with a loud, persistent ringing in my left ear. He basically said I either have sinus congestion (which I don't think I do, unfortunately), or it's a precursor of hearing loss. He gave me some pills and I'll know in a couple days whether I'm fine, or if I'm going deaf in one ear. I've known since a young age that there is a high chance that I would eventually go blind in my left eye and have had fifteen years to come to terms with it, but I've never had problems with my ears. I'm a little nervous and not feeling very funny right now. So, I probably won't be working on this for a while. Sorry.


	26. Chapter 26

**Attention All **- Kurosaki-taicho would like it known that he cracked his knee skydiving, and the bruises and twisted ankle are from bungee jumping, and the goose egg on his head is from paragliding, and the burns are from a fight with a dragon. Under no circumstances is anyone to imply that he tripped over a cat and banged his head on a kotatsu. - In completely unrelated news, I would like to welcome back Shihoin Yoruichi as co-taicho of the second division.

**Aizen Sosuke** - I am sotaicho for life. I cannot be toppled by popular vote. Stop inciting my subordinates to "call for a vote of no confidence" in the hopes that they will elect you sotaicho, whereupon you may make a play for King. - Stop watching movies. All movies. Remember, if _you've_ seen them, Kuchiki-fukutaicho has seen them, and has already tried them herself.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- Disco is dead. Let it go in peace.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- Just because you declare a revolution does not mean a revolution will immediately break out. - You do not get to lead a rebellion just because you think Aizen is doing a "shity job" at it.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- If an enemy knocks your zanpakuto out of your hand, it is generally considered quite rude to pick up two of your comrades and use them as bludgeons.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- Your shikai phrase is not "Double double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" and it is certainly not an excuse to cackle wildly every time you release your zanpakuto.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho**- Zaraki-taicho's biography should not be four hundred pages of sentences beginning with "He met-" and ending with "-and then they died."

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- No, we will not be solving disagreements with gladiatorial combat in your name.

**Ichimaru Gin** - Please do not saunter up to Matsumoto-fukutaicho, hit her over the head with a foam club, throw her over your shoulder and run off with her. - Or Kurosaki-taicho. By your girlish screams, I'm guessing he made it known that he did not appreciate it when you tried to knock him unconscious and drag him off by his hair. - How the _hell_do you keep getting in here?

**Inoue Orihime**- No matter how many masks you rip off of Hollows, none of them will turn out to be men in costumes trying to scare away "those rotten kids".

**Ise-fukutaicho**- You do not have power of attorney over your taicho just because he told you to do whatever you want before falling asleep on his desk. - Actually, there was a striking rise in productivity during his ten hour nap. Have you considered bankai training?

**Ishida Uryu**- Stop using genetics to excuse your behavior towards other Shinigami.

**Kira-fukutaicho**- No, we will not be re-appointing Ichimaru Gin as taicho of your division, just because he never seems to leave. Stop calling him "taicho". It's confusing people. - Even if he sneaks in at night and does all the paperwork. - On second thought, welcome back, Ichimaru-taicho.

**Komamura-taicho**- You really don't have to humor Kusajishi-fukutaicho. No matter what she may appear to be, we all know that there is nothing but vast darkness and unending evil in that cute pink shell of little girl smiles. Kurotsuchi-taicho is currently investigating rumors that she is some kind of super Hollow or an escapee from Hell.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - There have recently been several rather alarming complaints made about fatigue in the workplace and the problems and safety hazards resulting from overly long hours. Over seventy percent of the complaints have been centered on you. In specific, for the past two months a certain female shinigami has been taking male hormones meant for another patient and you have prescribed Ukitake-taicho birth control six different times. While he may be amused, _I_ am not. I feel it is my duty to point out that you have already reached your full height. If you continue on your current course, I will have Unohana-taicho tie you to your bed each night and force feed you sleeping pills.

**Kotetsu Kiyone**- When asked why you are alone or where Kotsubaki is, "I ate him" is not the proper response. It will not get you transferred to the thirteenth and three quarters division, not even if you draw a black circle on your chest and claim it is your Hollow hole. You will instead be arrested for suspicion of cannibalism. Kurosaki-taicho is very strict about his subordinates not eating each other. Now, go untie Kotsubaki and we will forget this little incident occurred.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Stop smiling. You're scaring people.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho**- If the situation is dire enough for me to release my zanpakuto, it is dire enough that you should not have time to stand back and sing "I'm Too Sexy".

**Kurosaki Isshin**- Thank you for the thought, but we will not be updating our uniform anytime soon. I'm unaware of the significance of a black suit and sunglasses, but I'm certain we won't be wearing them. - Why are you whining about "neuralizers"?

**Kurosaki-taicho** - No! No, no, no! Absolutely not! You tell Hirako Shinji and his cohorts that we will give them an official apology, publicly and in writing, and one hundred years worth of compensation, but please, _please_, don't let them join your division!

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - I'm sorry. There is no room in the budget for an expedition into Hell. You'll just have to do your research with what you've got. - If you absolutely _must_ have a sample of the Evil of that world, I suggest you talk to Urahara. There's a reason we call him the King of Unending Torment, and it has almost nothing to do with his karaoke skills.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Please take a moment to wash up and put away your tools before leaving the lab. The blood stained axe tucked into your obi was particularly intimidating.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- Please stop sneaking into my bedroom at night and braiding my beard while I sleep.

**Kyoraku-taicho**- If, for whatever reason, you find yourself accidentally wearing an article of someone else's clothes, keep it to yourself. They're all the same. No one can tell. There is no need to suddenly shout "These are Juu-chan's pants!" and dash out of a meeting, even if you had only just discovered the mistake and were honestly going to change them. - I didn't realize it was possible to turn that shade of red, but it certainly clashes with white hair.

**Madarame Ikaku** - I don't think weapons grade plutonium is an appropriate souvenir from the living world.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - When someone tells you "when hell freezes over", you should not forge a note to Hitsugaya-taicho from Aizen detailing all the horrible, vulgar, abhorrently evil things he wants to do to Hinamori-fukutaicho, then point him at Hueco Mundo.

**Sado Yasutora**- Since you returned from Hueco Mundo with that confused yet awed harem of female Hollows, we must ask that you at least keep them away from Kurosaki-taicho. You know how Hollows get over him, and Jaegerjaquez is disturbingly territorial.

**Shiba Ganju**- Welcome to the Gotei 13. Go to the thirteenth and three quarters division and don't come out.

**Shiba Kukaku**- Your brother is not a strangely sapient gorilla and Seireitei is not a zoo. The apes are confined to the eleventh division, thank you.

**Shihoin-taicho **- There is no nude beach in Soul Society. That does not mean you may create one.

**Soifon-taicho** - You may not turn your home into a nudest colony unless you build _very_ tall walls. What you do in your own home is your own business, as long as no one else can see it.

**Ukitake-taicho** - Please do not punish subordinates by telling your third seats they made you cry. The damage was catastrophic. We initially thought _Zaraki_ was responsible.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- If you can't stop calling people trash, you will not be allowed back to the living world. Police officers do not take kindly to that.

**Unohana-taicho**- If you have to remind your patients to stop molesting inanimate objects more than twice, it is time for sedatives.

**Urahara Kisuke** - You are not a crotchety old man. Stop hitting people with your cane and making long rambling speeches about the good old days. - It doesn't matter how many centuries you've seen pass you by, until humans stop calling you a "bishounen", you're _not_ an old man.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Very well, you may use shunpo. However, if you get lost in another dimension, we're not coming to get you. You'll have to get yourself out, and anything that emerges from one of the tears in reality you create is your responsibility. Now, get out there and tell Shukaku he has to go home.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Stop treating your fukutaicho as a weapon of mass destruction. Loading her up with soda and candy, waiting until she's hit "Super Maximum Hyper Destructive Mode", then tossing her into the twelfth is not going to improve relations between the two divisions.

* * *

_AN_- First of all, both my aunt and I are fine. She had to have total hip replacement, but bounced back like a bouncy ball thrown into a bouncy castle. The medicine worked on my ear, so that's fine too. I appreciate all the inquiries I got very much.

A couple of weeks ago, I tripped over a cat and knocked my head on a heater. I ended up with a cracked knee, twisted ankle, bruises all over and a burn on my forehead. I spent a week telling everyone about my terrible skydiving accident and my fight with a dragon, before my mother told them the sad, pathetic truth. But hey! It inspired me to write a new chapter or two!

_PS_- I don't know if it's possible to burn yourself on a kotatsu, but if anyone can pull it off, it's Kurosaki "blood-in-my-eye" Ichigo.

_PPS_ - If any of you go by the name Blood Sword on Cosplay(dot)com and are from Finland, you are made of pure Win and Awesome. Your Ukitake is a dream and the pic of you peeking out from behind a tree in fear for your modesty made me laugh until I cried.


	27. Chapter 27

**Attention All**- Bakudo are not to be used for sexual purposes. - Or to wrap presents.

**Aizen Sosuke**- If you're going to use your zanpakuto's abilities against us, please do it for something other than creating mass hallucinations of big red men with long white beards flying over Seireitei and dropping brightly wrapped gifts down non-existent chimneys.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- Eggnog is not synonymous with vodka. Not even if you crack an egg in it.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- You are not the gift that keeps on giving.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez** - I understand that you do not quite grasp the concept of Christmas. That does not give you an excuse to strip naked, tie on a bow and deliver yourself to _anyone_.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Please do not attempt to light fireplaces with your zanpakuto. Speaking from personal experience, there are many ways this can go terribly, _terribly_ wrong.

**Hisagi-fukutaicho**- A little advice. Next time, defrost the turkey before attempting to cook it.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - You are not the Spirit of Christmas. - Although, we _have_ had quite a few requests for snow, if you have the time.

**Ichimaru-taicho**- Your version of "I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus" is vile and disgusting. You will cease singing it immediately or I will cut out your tongue. - I do not need to know all the sordid details of why it is a crime against nature to threaten to remove your tongue.

**Inoue Orihime** - I am starting to think it was a bad idea to appoint you our cross-cultural consultant for our first annual Seireitei Christmas. Are you _sure_ the elves were robots?

**Ise-fukutaicho**- Your gift to your taicho, no matter how creative, should not arrive in the form of twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree swarming his bedroom en masse at five o'clock on Christmas morning when he is guaranteed to be asleep and still hung over.

**Ishida Uryu**- Christmas cards to your friends should not involve a collage of pictures of said friends passed out drunk and in various states of undress with plush reindeer antlers on their heads and a caption reading "I Know What You Did Last Christmas".

**Kira-fukutaicho**- Ichimaru-taicho was not your Christmas present. Stop trying to "unwrap" him.

**Komamura-taicho**- Just because Kusajishi-fukutaicho was unable to acquire reindeer does not mean you have to take their place. Just give her enough candy and she'll forget about putting that sled harness on you.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- The answer to the question "What child is this?" is not "Yours". Stop scaring our male Shinigami.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- No matter how Kurosaki-taicho made you dress, you should not try to take credit for everything just because someone claims "elves did it".

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Next year, please keep in mind that if there is any reason to suspect that someone will send you inappropriate gifts, DO NOT open them in public. We do not need a repeat of Abarai-fukutaicho stealing them and drunkenly waving them around during the Seireitei Christmas party. - I'm not sure what half of them were, but to forestall any embarrassing requests for time off for recovery, you are hereby granted a week's leave.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho**- I'm almost certain that Ms. Claus did not wear a mini-skirt.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - We are not going to recreate _any_ situation depicted in Christmas songs. I am not going to be run over by reindeer. We will not be "walking 'round in women's underwear". Kurotsuchi-taicho is not going to "go postal" and murder his subordinates. - Well, alright. He _may_, but it won't be because he was tired of working for milk and cookies.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - Please stop singing "All I Want for Christmas is a Kuchiki Sandwich". - If you insist on continuing to grab Kuchiki-taicho, dip him backwards and kiss him passionately in full view of large crowds of people, we will be forced to create laws against public displays of affection. - This also goes for _all_ Shinigami, including but not limited to Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Abarai-fukutaicho, Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryu, Matsumoto-fukutaicho, Ukitake-taicho, Hinamori-fukutaicho, Ise-fukutaicho, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Kira-fukutaicho, Kotetsu-fukutaicho, Kotetsu Kiyone, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho, Unohana-taicho, Ulquiorra Schiffer, Yamada Hanataro and any Hollow or Vizard you may sneak into Soul Society. - I am not intentionally leaving you with no option but incest! Stop trying to shock people! - I am not persecuting you for being bisexual. I am persecuting you for being a shameless manwhore! - "Power is sexy" is no excuse.

**Kurotsuchi-taicho** - Considering your inordinately large order of liquid nitrogen and snapping turtles, you are exempt from gift giving. - Not even if you really, _really_ want to take part. - Excuse me. Instead of exempt, I should have said forbidden.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- I assure you, your taicho was not in prison because he tried to steal Christmas.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- For the last time, I am NOT Santa Claus! Stop following me! I am not giving you a pony!

**Kyoraku-taicho**- Jello shots are not an appropriate Christmas dish.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Stop trying to re-gift your fukutaicho. That is one gift _no one_ wants.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Mistletoe is not an excuse to molest anyone. You're supposed to _kiss_ under the mistletoe, not grab people by their clothes, slam them against the wall, stick your tongue down their throat and attempt to undress them. - Hitsugaya-taicho has requested that you keep your slobber to yourself.

**Sado Yasutora**- As you were born and spent most of your formative years in the living world, you should know that you kiss at midnight on new years, not Christmas.

**Shiba Ganju** - You are not in charge of the creation of _any_ Christmas decorations. - Any decorations that you have already created should be turned over to Kurotsuchi-taicho and the Explosive Ordinance Detonation Squad.

**Shiba Kukaku**- Show a little creativity. Don't give everyone the exact same gift. Especially not fireworks in the form of a jack-in-the-box that goes off when opened.

**Shihoin-taicho**- Stop abusing your subordinates. Sneaking gifts into people's bedrooms is not a proper use of the onmitsukido. - "Deliver this gift to Zaraki-taicho" is not a traditional yearly test of their abilities.

**Soifon-taicho**- I will blame your behavior at the Christmas party on too much eggnog. Beating Omaeda senseless for his crime of eating cookies too close to you, dropping crumbs in your hair and down your shirt, was uncalled for.

**Ukitake-taicho**- Please do not force your third seats to open all gifts you receive from people you don't personally know. There's only so much naked flesh squeezed into tiny boxes they can take before Unohana-taicho must intervene for the sake of their mental health.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- Return to your home, at once, and take a thorough bath. In the future, if your girlfriend slathers you with cupcake scented body lotion just as you're heading out the door, just take the day off. It took three kidou experts and half the science division most of the day to realize that you were not being followed by a horde of drooling people because of your "evil Hollow hypnosis powers".

**Unohana-taicho**- Your gift of a fully grown chinchilla to Yamada would have likely been better received had it not, the moment he unwrapped it, leap out of the box and onto his face. I am certain that once he recovers from his terror induced fainting spell, he will be quite taken with Pookie.

**Urahara Kisuke**- As a century long resident of the living world, I would think you would be more than passingly familiar with Christmas traditions. As such, I can only assume you intentionally gave us carnivorous Christmas trees as some sort of twisted joke. If you free the people swallowed by the trees in a prompt manner, I will overlook the trauma suffered by our younger Shinigami who were forced to watch brightly decorated pine trees savaging people.

**Yamada Hanataro** - I am _amazed_ by what you get up to when intoxicated. No wonder you never drink.

**Zaraki-taicho** - Yes, you may wear the musical lights in your hair, but this is the _only_ time of year when they are appropriate.


	28. Chapter 28

**To whom it may concern** - Once a day for the past week, I have received a love note and a dozen roses. The notes all read, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. So throw me down and tie me up, and show me that you like me." As there is not a name for the sender or intended recipient, I am going to assume I received them in error. Please take note that whoever they are meant for has not received them and sending more will not elicit the response you are looking for. Check with your delivery service to be certain they have the right address. - Leave Kurosaki-taicho alone! I _know _it was you, Ichimaru!

**A Very Special Note From Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - To whoever thought it would be funny to sneak into my bedroom and cover the inside of all my underwear in clear double-sided tape, I _will _find you and when I do you will learn the horrors of a brazilian bikini wax.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Central 46 has informed me that your license to be Big Bad will be expiring in three weeks. You may renew your license through the usual methods of murder and mayhem or through a successful plot against Seireitei. If you do not renew it, you will be downgraded from Big Bad to Vanquished Villain or Inmate, depending on your survival. Kurosaki-taicho has already applied for his Conquering Hero license and is preparing his Nakama for battle. Remember, actions by subordinates do not qualify you for renewal. - In other words, get off your throne and _do something _or stop smirking at us, you arrogant bastard.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- From now on, if you're not sure what something is, call it an unknown being, not Doomy Dooms. - Even if it looks particularly Doomy.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - Stop forming random conga lines. _Everyone _joins in and Seireitei grinds to a halt. - I don't care if you managed to trick a group of Hollows into congaing off a cliff. Put the maracas away.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- Please do not intentionally throw catnip on Kurosaki-taicho, then pounce him and claim your instincts made you do it.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- Even though your surroundings may spontaneously combust when you are angry, this does not give you the right to purposely set anyone on fire. We know it was intentional. Saying "oops" and giggling cutely will not get you out of trouble. Your cuteness means nothing in the face of the fact that you are a psychotic pyromaniac.

**Hisagi-taicho** - Congratulations on obtaining bankai. You are hereby promoted to taicho. - Despite your dislike for your shikai, I hope you are satisfied with your bankai. I'm quite certain _no one _could have predicted the progression from scythes to heavy metal. However, I would like to know why you did not think it necessary to inform me that your zanpakuto spirit's bankai form looks exactly like Jimi Hendrix. - That is really not something to spring on an ally in the heat of battle.

**Hitsugaya-taicho**- Please take the time to learn people's names, and stop addressing them as "minion of no importance."

**Ichimaru-taicho** - Stop walking around naked. - No, Kurosaki-taicho did not steal all your clothes in a misguided attempt to gain your affection. Not only is the very idea absurd, you were seen by no less than nine people carrying loads of clothing from your quarters to the tenth division. You didn't even _attempt _to hide your actions. - Also, while it may not have been your intention, I feel I must point out that, as you are a taicho, you may not move in with Matsumoto-fukutaicho unless you are married. Nor can she, as a fukutaicho, move in with you. You must remain with your own divisions. In fact, Hitsugaya-taicho has repeatedly requested that you not be allowed to set foot in the tenth division, at all. - It may be a betrayal of all I stand for to tell you this, but it really must be said. If you would stop stalking and attempting to molest him and generally being a creepy pervert, Kurosaki-taicho would probably sleep with you. His standards have become noticeably low of late.

**Inoue Orihime**- Stop telling Hitsugaya-taicho how to run his division. He has been a taicho longer than you have been alive. He does not need any help, especially with being rude to people. - Yes, even if he looks adorable when he's scowling and makes you want to pinch his cheeks and snuggle him between your bosoms. He gets enough of that as it is.

**Ise-fukutaicho**- Just because a language is considered 'dead' does not mean that it must make a comeback in Soul Society. Stop submitting reports in ancient sumerian.

**Ishida Uryu**- You are not a one man crusade against tyranny and oppression. Stop sending me pipe bombs and anthrax in the mail. - If this keeps up, I may come to believe you want me dead.

**Kira-fukutaicho**- When someone gets up from the table mid-meal, do not use your zanpakuto on their cup, no matter how amusing it may be to watch them struggle with it when they return.

**Komamura-taicho**- Your attempts at charity in Rukongai, while a noble sentiment, might perhaps be met with more gratitude, and less screaming and running away, if you first enlisted Ukitake-taicho to soften the surprise of your appearance. An eight foot tall wolf/fox/weasel-man ladleing out soup perhaps isn't the most soothing image for a hungry soul to face first thing in the morning or late at night.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- The motto of the fourth division is not "Does Your Body Good", no matter how many new appointments have been made for physicals.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- The next time you decide to have a paintball war in Los Noches, film it. Snipe Aizen for extra points. I suggest the colors neon pink and lemon yellow.

**Kuchiki-taicho**- "Get-So-Drunk-You-Wake-Up-Next-To-A-Kuchiki-Friday" is no reason to walk around in bankai. - Please do not attach a leash and harness to your sister and drag her around all Friday. She can take care of herself.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho**- Stop following people around, hiding behind objects, peering out at them balefully and sending a cold shiver down their backs. - I take it back. It is quite enjoyable to see Zaraki-taicho constantly looking over his shoulder and shivering whenever he catches sight of you.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - Your children are a menace. _All _of them. Never again shall you breed. Don't make us enforce this with scalpels.

**Kurosaki Karin**- Your brother is not going to give you lessons in "ass-kicking". Take your sister and go home.

**Kurosaki Yuzu** - Puppy eyes are forbidden. Put them away.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - We do not go fishing for humans. The next time you take your division to the living world, stand in the clouds with fishing poles, hook people by their shirts and drag them up to you, only to declare "nah, too small" and throw them back, you will be demoted. - Even if you're not physically hurting them. You are now the leading cause of mental breakdowns in humans in the Karakura area. - No, you can't have a plaque. This isn't something you should be proud of!

**Kurotsuchi-taicho**- Please do not greet new recruits with "By years end, I expect only ten percent of you to remain ... human."

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Every red button does not need to be labeled "Do Not Push".

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- Stop catching Hell Butterflies and packing them into empty peanut butter jars. They are not "Peanut Butterflies" and do not come in crunchy and smooth.

**Kyoraku-taicho**- I admire your dedication to learning the art of manga and your attention to detail, but I doubt the arguments for "tasteful nude" and "It's art, really!" are going to be very convincing when your fukutaicho learns she is the star of your porn manga.

**Madarame Ikaku**- "Injured in the line of duty" is only a reason for time off if you first visit the fourth division and Unohana-taicho approves it. A hangover is not an injury received in the line of duty, despite the fact that Zaraki-taicho requires you to take part in "Get-So-Drunk-You-Wake-Up-Next-To-A-Kuchiki-Friday". - That's not a real holiday, by the way.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho**- If, on one of your many friendly forays into Hueco Mundo, you manage to get Aizen drunk, do not tell him that you're hiding the King in your underwear. No matter how epic the fight between he and Ichimaru-taicho promises to be.

**Shiba Ganju**- You do not need to "repopulate your clan". Stop propositioning random shinigami you meet on the street.

**Shiba Kukaku** - You do not need to "repopulate your clan". Stop kidnapping random shinigami and imprisoning them in your harem. - I am almost afraid to ask, but _why _do you have a harem?

**Shihoin-taicho**- Please stop training the Onmitsukido by dragging them into Rukongai and tossing them at disaffected peasants wielding large swords while yelling "Turn in ninja heads to get free booze!" - Alright, you win. If they can't defeat normal souls without a drop of reiatsu and armed only with badly forged weapons, they don't deserve to be shinigami. Toss away.

**Soifon-taicho**- I am aware that Ichimaru-taicho has split loyalties and spends just as much time in Hueco Mundo as he does in Soul Society. There is no need to arrest him for treason every time he returns and drag him before me for punishment. Yes, he's a threat to security. What do you want me to do? I can't seem to keep him out, and he does paperwork. He's even volunteered to do Zaraki-taicho's. It certainly will be nice to receive reports that are not soaked in blood or written in crayon.

**Ukitake-taicho**- I don't care how good his massages are, either close the door or gag yourself. I am sick of hearing your third seats complaining about how Kurosaki-taicho is cheating on Kuchiki-taicho.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer -** Kurosaki-taicho is not an example of normal human behavior. He is not an example of normal _anything _behavior. You do not need a harem, no matter what Inoue says.

**Unohana-taicho**- Despite the fact that he somehow glued his butt cheeks together more than once, I will not be removing that particular Shinigami from duty. I'm sure that those were isolated incidents and are not an indication of severe mental deficiency. Also, just because someone has a split personality does not mean Kurosaki-taicho wants him in his division.

**Urahara Kisuke**- What the hell is a 'Kon' and why is it staked out in the women's baths?

**Yamada Hanataro**- Please stop trying to recruit Zaraki-taicho to your Flying Spaghetti Monster religion. He is not a pirate.

**Zaraki-taicho** - You and Kusajishi-fukutaicho, stop making carnage angels in the spilled guts of your enemies.


	29. Chapter 29

**Attention All** - Let us all warmly welcome back Hirako Shinji, Sarugaki Hiyori, Aikawa Love, Kuna Mashiro, Muguruma Kensei, Otoribashi Rojuro, Ushoda Hachigen and Yadomaru Lisa. They have graciously agreed to join the thirteenth and three quarters division and serve under Kurosaki-taicho. I am sure they are all happy to be home and will not to hold our actions one hundred years previous against us. Let us all overlook any strange behaviors that may occur while they become reacquainted with our wor-_OHGODTHEPAIN!_

**Attention Academy Students** - Stop daring your classmates to spend a night in the thirteenth and three quarters division. It is not a haunted house, no matter the oppressive reiatsu, ominous dark clouds that hover over it, monsters that dwell within and the fact that anyone who goes in comes out _changed_.

**Aizen Sosuke**- We did not need to know that there is a standard "safe word" in your dungeons, even if you plan to imprison captured shinigami there. - We would rather die than visit your dungeons.

**Abarai-fukutaicho**- Kotetsu-fukutaicho and Kotetsu Kiyone are not to be referred to as "bookends". - Or Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro. - Or Kuchiki-taicho and Kuchiki-fukutaicho. - I'm not sure you understand what "bookends" is supposed to mean.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika**- Stop gluing furniture to ceilings. No one is going to wake up and think gravity has reversed itself, no matter how drunk they may be.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**- Just because you "laugh at death" does not mean you have to laugh every time a shinigami trips. - Stop tripping shinigami so you can laugh at them.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho**- Just because there is no rule specifically forbidding wielding a ferret in place of one's zanpakuto does not mean one should, no matter how cute and fluffy it may be. Stop abusing cute, fluffy things. Even the really 'bitey' ones.

**Hirako-taicho**- Welcome back as taicho of the fifth division. Good luck with Hinamori-fukutaicho. You'll need it.

**Hisagi-taicho**- Cocooning people in plastic wrap and tying them upside-down from the ceiling is not an appropriate punishment. - Just because you are a taicho does not mean your word is law. - As you seem to need someone to keep you from going mad with power, we have assigned Sarugaki Hiyori as your fukutaicho.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Stop sending me everything that Matsumoto-fukutaicho breaks along with a weekly Fukutaicho Expense Report. She is _your _fukutaicho. Handle her. - By "handle her", I did not mean turn her into an ice sculpture. - "It worked, didn't it?" is no justification.

**Ichimaru-taicho**- You and Kira-fukutaicho are not superheroes. Stop introducing yourselves as Captain Cocky and the Twelve-Inch Pianist. - That joke is not funny.

**Inoue Orihime**- If, by some miracle, you get your hands on the Hogyoku, you are not to attempt to feed it to Kurosaki-taicho. For one, I very much doubt it can be consumed without choking him to death. Second, I shudder to think what might become of him should he acquire its power. - Also, getting lost in Hueco Mundo while looking for a quiet place to debauch your boyfriend, stumbling into a secret room and knocking the pedestal over while attempting to remove his pants is not a miracle. - Stop debauching Schiffer while on missions. I believe you were sent to Hueco Mundo to negotiate with Aizen, not fornicate. - Just because Aizen cowers at the sight of you and calls you "Great and Fearsome Queen of Hueco Mundo" does not mean you are irreplaceable.

**Ise-fukutaicho**- If you see a book titled Necronomicon Ex Mortis, do not read from it, no matter how deliciously tempting it may be.

**Ishida Uryu** - You do not have the authority to declare war on anyone, least of all your neighbors who like to loudly engage in activities at three in the morning on your day off. - Why is everyone so obsessed with declaring war? We're _already _at war.

**Kira-fukutaicho**- Stop calling your taicho "Master". It's creeping people out.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho**- Stop telling the eleventh division that there are ryoka loose in Seireitei demanding to fight them just so they'll spend the entire day searching for them and you can have a peaceful day of not having to patch them up.

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro**- Sneaking into the records room and altering official documents to include Kurosaki-taicho in the Shiba family does not make it official. Stay out of restricted areas! - I thought you'd given up on this?

**Kuchiki-taicho**- Please do not save Kurosaki-taicho when he is being chased by Zaraki-taicho who is demanding a rematch by grabbing Kurosaki-taicho, informing Zaraki-taicho that he will be too busy to fight for several hours, then begin molesting him while dragging him off. - At least don't do it in the middle of a crowded street.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - When you and Kurosaki-taicho are coming from one direction, Kuchiki-taicho and Abarai-fukutaicho are coming from another, and meet myself at an intersection, please do not look at me in mock surprise and horror, grab your brother and your taicho, shout "Quick! Back into the closet!", thrust them both into the nearest available cupboard and slam the door. I already know. _Everyone _knows, and all they did was nod politely to each other in greeting.

**Kurosaki Isshin**- Stop giving people the "shovel speech". If anyone hurts your son, he'll hurt them right back.

**Kurosaki-taicho**- I am not amused. Remove that No Vacancy sign from outside your division at once. - Despite the preponderance of taicho-level individuals in your division, we are not changing its name to the All-Powerful Titans, no matter the fact that your division contains "a metric fuckton of awesome and asskickery in hot humanoid flesh".

**Kurotsuchi Mayuri**- Sorry. Urahara has decided he wants to come back and, frankly, even a psychotic megalomaniac is preferable to you. Especially after that stunt you pulled with the exploding babies. Don't bother packing your things. You won't need them where you're going.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho**- Thank you for pretending you didn't notice the large group of particularly unstealthy individuals led by Kurosaki-taicho and Ishida Uryu creeping into the twelfth division just past noon yesterday. Considering you were not informed of your former taicho's removal from duty, I'm impressed by your observational skills. Most people who see a taicho being carted off, kicking and screaming, by several of his most vocal detractors, who were for some reason dressed as Robin Hood and his Merry Men, would think a kidnapping was in progress. Only one of great intuition would realize they were acting as agents of myself. - Let's pretend that you knew they were acting as agents of myself and were not hoping your taicho was about to be brutally murdered.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho**- From now on, if you set it on fire, you are responsible for putting it out. Please do not just stand there as it burns and roast marshmallows over the flames.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Just because you woke up that way, it does not mean you must _stay_ that way.

**Madarame Ikaku** - Should you somehow manage to bluff your way into the control room of a power company, crash their computers and leave nearly the entire city dark, it is best to make a quiet retreat; not loudly declare "I'm a time traveler from many centuries in the past! Your evil witchcraft confuses and frightens me! A pox on you all!" before leaping out a fifth floor window, ditching your gigai mid-fall and leaving it as a "dead body" for the authorities to find. - Do you know how much those gigai cost?

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho**- Hitsugaya-taicho's head is not a "breast rest". I believe he has told you this before.

**Neliel tu Oderschvank**- Play dates with Kusajishi-fukutaicho should not involve flamethrowers.

**Sasakibe-fukutaicho**- I promise I have not forgotten about you. You are just very well behaved.

**Shiba Kukaku** - As a general rule of thumb, if you have to gag your harem to suppress their cries for help and tie them up to keep them from escaping, this is considered a _crime_. - I don't care that Kurosaki-taicho's harem is bigger than yours. It is not a contest. - Wait. Since when does he have a harem? One that is not actually his division...

**Shihoin-taicho**- Your breasts will never officially be classified deadly weapons, no matter how much evidence you provide. Stop trying to smother people with them.

**Soifon-taicho**- Stop addressing Kurosaki-taicho as Freak-taicho. Just because the combined Hollow reiatsu emanating from their division's barracks started to mutate those who passed too close does not make them the "Freak Squad" and him the head freak.

**Ukitake-taicho**- I don't care if it bolstered morale and relieved stress. Carving pumpkins into the likeness of those you dislike and blowing them up is not a work-related expense. - I'm starting to become concerned, considering at least eighty percent bore a suspicious resemblance to me.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer**- No matter how much we generally trust you around the vulnerable souls, having proven yourself more in control of your instincts than most other Hollows, you still don't get a tour of duty in the living world. You are still a Hollow and we are not taking any chances. - If you have a problem with this, take it up with Jaegerjaquez. He's the one who went on a psychotic rampage when the carnival ran out of cotton candy.

**Unohana-taicho** - Stop telling young shinigami that if they don't eat their vegetables, they'll come alive and eat _them _instead.

**Urahara-taicho**- I am not quite sure what you meant when you mentioned Brazil, hiding out from pigs and the heat getting to be too much for you, but welcome back to the Gotei 13. - No need to worry about the heat. Our summers are quite mild.

**Yamada Hanataro**- Please stop setting Pookie loose on those who harass you. - I don't care that you put them back together. An attack chinchilla is something that should never have existed in the first place!

**Zaraki-taicho** - Your habit of sleeping with your eyes open is highly disturbing. When you started snoring, half your division screamed in terror and fainted, convinced "the demon" was growling at them.


	30. Chapter 30

**Attention All** - Due to several misunderstandings and misidentifications by uninformed individuals, all Shinigami must now wear clearly visible identification with their shihakusho. Also, to the thirteenth and three quarters division: stop beating up the new recruits when they mistake you for members of the fourth, eleventh or twelfth division. - Sometimes, I think if the eleventh and twelfth divisions were anthropomorphisized and had a child, it would be strikingly similar to the thirteenth and three quarters division.

**Aizen Sosuke** - Despite how amusing it is to watch Hollows fleeing for their lives while carrying large, heavy jugs and protecting them as though they are filled with gold, I must demand that you stop sending your subordinates on 'water runs'. - I don't care that you get twitchy without your bi-hourly fix of tea. - You should have put more thought into your choice of evil lairs. Anyone could tell you that there is no water in Hueco Mundo. - I am getting tired of chasing Arrancar out of my kitchen.

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - If your taicho asks where you have been for the past two weeks, you will not respond with "Vegas, bitch". - I did not know you sang soprano.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - The song "Peacock" is not about you. Put your pants back on.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez** - When someone asks what your favorite food is, no matter how true it may be, you should not respond with "_Sooouuuls_!" - Please stop chasing people with a knife and fork.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Have you ever heard the phrase 'don't shoot the messenger'? There is a reason why you are never informed of anything. No one is willing to deliver messages to you anymore. Even the Hell Butterflies have threatened to go on strike. - Stop stabbing your taicho in the back.

**Hirako-taicho** - Just because she appears to be young and adorable does not mean you should treat Hinamori-fukutaicho like you would Sarugaki-fukutaicho. They are both insane, but in their own unique ways. - Unohana-taicho would like me to inform you that you have a steak knife sticking out of your back. She fears there may be nerve damage. Please see her immediately.

**Hisagi-taicho** - As Sarugaki-fukutaicho seems quite effective at curbing your 'enthusiasm' when running your division, I must reject your request for a co-taicho. Muguruma will be staying where he is, for the time being. - Throwing rocks through my windows will not change anything. - Why must our taicho act like children throwing a temper tantrum when they don't get their way? You were so _sane_ as a fukutaicho.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Just because she held you down and gave you noogies does not mean Kurosaki Karin is a god of greater power than you. You will cease building that fifty-foot-tall golden likeness of her at once. - I know of no zanpakuto that takes the form of a soccer ball, and she is _not_ a Shinigami, no matter her parentage.

**Ichimaru-taicho** - Stop following Matsumoto-fukutaicho around with a camera when she is drunk, and take off that cheerleader outfit. - I didn't mean in public! Go put your clothes on, _now_! - One would think I would have learned to choose my words more carefully by now.

**Inoue Orihime** - Vasto Lorde are not to be used as sex toys.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - Your mastery of iron war fans is both impressive and terrifying. I'm sure Kyoraku-taicho would agree, were he still conscious.

**Ishida Uryu** - Stop trying to get a blood sample from Kurosaki-taicho to compare to your own. "He's part everything else, so there's got to be some Quincy in there too" is no excuse. I'm not sure that is even something you can determine from a blood sample. - Stop trying to poke Hitsugaya-taicho and Ukitake-taicho with needles when they least expect it. Just because they both have white hair does not mean they are related. - You are _not_ just 'picking up the slack' left by Kurotsuchi's departure. - And leave Yamada Hanataro alone! The poor boy's already in therapy as it is!

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Stop playing "What Would Their Kids Look Like" with one of the parents as Ichimaru-taicho. _No one_ wants to contemplate him ever breeding. - I am quite certain that it is physically impossible for Ichimaru-taicho to impregnate Kurosaki-taicho.

**Komamura-taicho** - I'm sorry, but I don't think it wise to let you visit the living world. Putting aside how difficult it would be to create a gigai to accommodate you, there is still the fact that humans are not accustomed to seeing such 'unique' individuals as yourself walking down the street. - At least wait until the disturbance you caused by accidentally crashing through the roof of a meeting of psychics has faded from people's memory.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - Kurosaki-taicho visiting Ukitake-taicho while he is recovering in the Fourth is not a photo opportunity for the Shinigami Women's Association. Give the man some privacy!

**Kotetsu Kiyone** - Telling only Kotetsu-fukutaicho is not a guarantee that 'juicy gossip' will go no further. It is, in fact, a guarantee that half of Seireitei will know by lunchtime. - It is not any of your business who Ukitake-taicho is seeing or what they have been doing together.

**Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Stay out of Ukitake-taicho's laundry. - You are _not_ just looking out for his well-being. You are being a snoop.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - Your request for time off citing a need to discipline your family's elders is granted. - Please do not kill the Kuchiki elders for demanding that you break off your relationship with Kurosaki-taicho. Nobles, much like taicho, do not grow on trees.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Stop trying to see how many attractive males you can squeeze into Ukitake-taicho's hospital room. An orgy is not going to spontaneously break out.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - Stop trying to play matchmaker by duct taping random people together. - Zaraki-taicho would like to speak to you regarding your recent attempt involving Kusajishi-fukutaicho hastily taped to Komamura-taicho's back. She may have thought it was a game, but her paternal figure would like to remind you that she is just a child. - By 'remind' I mean 'turn you into hamburger'.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - As you seem incapable of effectively leading your division and controlling your subordinates, you are hereby placed under the control of Ukitake-taicho. If you didn't want to be under the command of another, you should have considered the consequences of your division's name more carefully. - I rescind the order! I apologize sincerely! Please, just call off your minions! - Stop letting Zaraki babysit Oderschvank!

**Kurotsuchi Mayuri** - If anyone sees an unknown but attractive male with blue hair and possibly wearing prisoner's clothes, likely skulking around dark alleyways, please alert Soifon-taicho at once. Do not approach this person. He is to be considered extremely dangerous. - This is what happens when psycho clowns are imprisoned and denied their make-up. It does absolutely no good to tell people to be on the lookout for an escaped Kurotsuchi Mayuri when no one knows what he really looks like. - Despite rumors to the contrary, he did _not_ just wipe off the paint and walk out the front door unhindered.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - Solutions to particularly irritating problems should not involve prominently displayed voodoo dolls. - It is not 'Mayuri season'. Put away the shotgun.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - You are not the Hell Butterfly whisperer.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - Generally, in the morning one greets their friends with an amiable "good morning", not a dazed and groggy "What the hell did I _do_ last night?" - At least don't wander into a meeting a half-hour late, ask Soifon-taicho said question, puke in the corner and pass out on Ukitake-taicho. - I guarantee that "I figured, she's a ninja, so she knows everything" will not placate her. - "I didn't know I was still drunk" is no excuse for your actions.

**Madarame Ikaku** - I don't know what is in that live animal transport crate, but the answer is no. Hell no. Absolutely not. Never. Stop it now. - If you release whatever that is into Rukongai, I'm taking away your zanpakuto and sending you to capture it.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - Stop wandering around Seireitei with a bottle of liquor in one hand and kissing every attractive female you meet. "I was curious" only works the first time.

**Neliel tu Oderschvank** - I do not want to play tag. Go away. - Where is Kurosaki-taicho when you need him?

**Shiba Ganju** - I'm almost afraid to ask, but why are you dressed like a pirate?

**Shihoin-taicho** - Stop singing about your humps.

**Soifon-taicho** - If you plan to 'whip them into shape', please do not use an actual whip.

**Ukitake-taicho** - We are saddened, as always, to see you back in the care of the Fourth Division. However, we must request that, when you receive visitors, you remember to close the door. Members of the Shinigami Women's Association are _everywhere_ and seem to have a sixth sense when two or more attractive males are in the same place for very long.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer** - I know about your second Resureccion. Kurosaki-taicho told Kuchiki-fukutaicho, and she told the Shinigami Women's Association. Hence, _everyone_ knows. - Please stop using it during sex. Do you have any idea what that kind of reiatsu _does_ to a person? - I don't care that Inoue thinks it's kinky or that Kurosaki-taicho gets off on the power rush. - I know _way_ too much about the sex lives of my subordinates.

**Unohana-taicho** - If you would wear your hair like a normal person you would stop dipping it into your ink pot. - Don't smile at me like that. I speak only the truth.

**Urahara-taicho** - Stop slipping truth serum into people's food just before meetings. There are some things that should remain unsaid. - I don't care that without it you never would have found out that Kurosaki-taicho thinks you are "evily sexy" and wanted to- Well, as I said, some things should remain unsaid, at least in public settings.

**Yadomaru Lisa** - Stop hanging around Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro. They are giving you ideas, _wrong_ ideas. - Kurosaki-taicho does not need another best friend.

**Yamada Hanataro** - I have been hearing many disturbing reports from various sources about people being touched with noodly appendages. Do you have anything to say about this?

**Zaraki-taicho** - Trebuchets are not to be used for flinging Hollows at other Hollows. I don't care that you want to beat Kusajishi-fukutaicho's distance record. - Hollow cannons are likewise forbidden.

* * *

Here is another chapter, in celebration of this fic getting a tvtropes page. I feel so giddy and special.


	31. Chapter 31

**Attention All** - I do not need to hear the details of how Shihoin-taicho ended up stuck in that jar of cat treats. Will _someone_ just please get her out before she suffocates? - Stop carrying her around and displaying her for tips! When she gets free, I am certain she will teach you new lessons in pain. - I can't believe I have to say this, but we DO NOT turn our taicho into sideshow attractions!

**Aizen Sosuke** - Congratulations on your marriage, however unexpected it may have been. As you are now bound to a (mostly) loyal shinigami, we have decided to call a halt to all aggressions. There will be a probationary period for any of your subordinates who wish to join us and you will continue to wear that reiatsu-suppressing collar. When, and if, we ever decide you have paid your dues (never), we will return your zanpakuto. Go to the thirteenth and three-quarters division and don't come out. - Stop arguing. There are worse fates than being Kurosaki-taicho's slave. Just think, you could be Hinamori-fukutaicho's instead. I've heard she's recently started collecting human skulls. She dresses them up in brown wigs and glasses. She hugs them, calls them 'taicho' and tells them about her day. Some of them were not skulls when she found them. She didn't like it when they talked back, so she made them "quiet".

**Abarai-fukutaicho** - For inspiring Ichimaru-taicho, you are hereby given the next week off. If you spend it in Vegas, please find some other way to inform your taicho. Or perhaps simply omit the second half of your answer. - Sometimes, your thought processes mystify me.

**Ayasegawa Yumichika** - It has come to our attention that you may be considerably "out of the loop" concerning certain matters involving Kurosaki-taicho. There is no reason to be alarmed. _Everyone_ is attracted to him. (Except, perhaps, Hinamori-fukutaicho, but she's a whole other ball of crazy.) It's called the Kurosaki Effect™ and it is impossible to resist once it has taken hold. - Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for you to notice.

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez** - Hypothetically speaking, should Aizen mysteriously develop a fear of felines and a serious case of cat scratch fever, we may overlook the actions of a certain panther Hollow in residence in the thirteenth and three-quarters division. Unohana-taicho may even, hypothetically, refuse treatment to a certain ex-Shinigami. Purely hypothetically, of course. We would never officially encourage such behavior. - I believe Kuchiki-fukutaicho has said she may be making catnip cookies, just so you know.

**Hinamori-fukutaicho** - Just because Jaegerjaquez called you a "sadistic, ax crazy, psycho bitch" does not mean you should carry around a large ax. - Stop trying to castrate the Arrancar with the ax. Should you somehow manage it, you will only succeed in angering both Kurosaki-taicho and Unohana-taicho. Kurosaki-taicho has mentioned more than once that no one gets to play with his toys except him, and Unohana-taicho has made it quite clear that she does not enjoy reattaching severed male genitalia.

**Hirako-taicho** - If you would stop smiling at people like that, you would stop getting slapped with sexual harassment lawsuits.

**Hisagi-taicho** - Please stop staging your own kidnapping and faking your death. Even if we did believe you were dead and replaced you with Muguruma, you would be reinstated upon your return, negating any personal gains from your stunt. - Due to the injuries you sustained during your latest attempt and the massive amount of property damage you have caused by throwing rocks at me every time we cross paths, you are hereby demoted back to fukutaicho. It is our sincere hope that the insanity that plagues our highest ranks will abate given enough time outside the position of taicho. - Despite the fact that it is dangerously close to rewarding bad behavior, we have decided that Muguruma is the best choice for your new taicho. If you throw another rock at me, he will be replaced with Neliel tu Oderschvank. We've been considering experimenting with better integrating our Arrancar members. It should be noted that Oderschvank is most reluctant to be separated from Kurosaki-taicho. She also counts Kusajishi-fukutaicho as her very best friend. Behave and you'll never have to deal with that particular combined menace. - Also, though you and Sarugaki-fukutaicho are to be considered co-fukutaicho, she now outranks you. Enjoy.

**Hitsugaya-taicho** - Matsumoto-fukutaicho is not your evil counterpart deity and her breasts are not the source of her infernal power. - Honestly, I'm hoping she suffocates you with them and you suffer just enough brain damage to rid you of this insane delusion. - Stay away from Ichimaru-taicho's "friends". You are crazy enough as it is. We dread to think what further time spent in their presence could bring. - No, you may not take "God Lessons" from them! I said stay away from them!

**Ichimaru-taicho** - For drugging Aizen, dragging Kurosaki-taicho to Las Vegas and getting him drunk, stripping them naked and shoving them in bed together, binding Aizen with a slave collar and connecting it to Kurosaki-taicho, faking a marriage license and convincing them it is legal in Soul Society, thereby single handedly ending the war, you are to be given Seireitei's greatest award. You are a hero of the highest caliber. - You are still a creepy fox-faced pervert. Nothing will change that.

**Inoue Orihime** - While you may be the Queen of Hueco Mundo, we do not expect you to take a personal hand in the control of any Hollows under Kurosaki-taicho's command. Stop smacking Jaegerjaquez with a rolled up newspaper. And get rid of the spray bottle. We've had several complaints about "friendly fire" incidents.

**Ise-fukutaicho** - Have you achieved bankai yet? We are seriously considering the benefits of having co-taicho for all divisions. We believe the greatest benefit would be in actually having a taicho who does their job instead of getting drunk, sexually harassing everyone around them and passing out in strange places.

**Ishida Uryu** - You are hereby added to the list of people not allowed to wear leather pants.

**Kira-fukutaicho** - Ichimaru-taicho does not need a cult. You will cease your efforts to form one at once. - Why has the entire third division dyed their hair white? - That's not dye? The Alliance came to celebrate Ichimaru-taicho winning the war? Oh no. Quick! Someone hide Ukitake-taicho! - Oh. Nevermind. Kurosaki-taicho seems to have it well in hand.

**Kotetsu-fukutaicho** - "You need to get laid" is not the cure for every illness. Especially not when the prescription is followed by "I hear Kurosaki has some time available. I'm sure he can pencil you in."

**Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro** - Please do not attempt to replicate _anything_ you see in anime. - Leave Urahara-taicho alone. He has better things to do than create "Hammer Space". - Nevermind. I have just received a prototype for Shinigami Space from him.

**Kuchiki-taicho** - I can't believe I'm saying this, but please stop trying to kill Aizen for defiling Kurosaki-taicho. - I'm pretty sure Kurosaki would be the one doing the defiling there anyway.

**Kuchiki-fukutaicho** - Just because Kurosaki-taicho and Kuchiki-taicho had a rather "explosive" relationship prior to becoming intimately involved does not mean that anyone Kurosaki-taicho actively dislikes and provokes to anger is destined to fall for him. - He is not going to have an epic romance with Aizen. He's not even particularly antagonistic towards him. He just locked him in his room and told him to stay out of his sight.

**Kurosaki Isshin** - Your son's name is not Leeroy, despite his death-defying ability to ignore all battle plans and charge in blindly. - Thank you. We believe we have now discovered Zaraki-taicho's real name.

**Kurosaki-taicho** - When you've finished beating up those White-Haired Pretty Boys for trying to corrupt Ukitake-taicho, I would like to speak with you concerning rumors that you have several unauthorized Espada living in your division's barracks. I must remind you that all Hollows must be registered before they are allowed to reside within Seireitei. - What do you mean how did I find out? I heard your screams. - I don't know who let them in, but they're your problem now. If you didn't want them to force their way in and declare residency, you shouldn't have started the trend of picking up random Arrancar.

**Kurotsuchi Mayuri** - Get back in your cage! - Leave the Arrancar alone! They don't need tentacles! - _No one_ needs tentacles.

**Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho** - Your Hollow breeding program must come to an end. Pokemon is not a prophetic work and we will not wage war using overpowered electric mice in the future.

**Kusajishi-fukutaicho** - Please stop emphasizing every sentence by adding "bitch" to the end. Yes, it is disturbingly cute, but we can't tell when you're being serious. If we don't know when you're angry, we don't know when to run away.

**Kyoraku-taicho** - You are not an honorary member of the Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys just because your best friend is an attractive white-haired male. They do not want you to join their celebration. - Since when have you needed an excuse to get drunk? - The reason you got kicked in a sensitive place for hitting on Ise-fukutaicho is because that wasn't Ise-fukutaicho. That was Kuchiki-fukutaicho and she was not amused. Her brother isn't amused either. I'd hide if I were you.

**Madarame Ikaku** - You are not to attempt to take on the entire Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys single handedly. Some of them have been classed "world destroyers". Please leave them to Kurosaki-taicho.

**Matsumoto-fukutaicho** - There is no skinny dipping in public, no matter how loose your morals or how low your inhibitions. - I don't care if Ichimaru-taicho decided to get drunk with his "Alliance" friends and invited you along, then you all went streaking and ended it with a naked pool party. I am going to start arresting people for public indecency. - Kuchiki-taicho would like me to inform you that you left underwear in his rose bushes. Also, you and Ichimaru-taicho are persona non grata at the Kuchiki estate. He has indicated that guard dogs have been purchased and they have your scent.

**Neliel tu Oderschvank** - Stop chewing on anything you get your hands on. The amount of drool saturating Seireitei is absolutely horrifying. - You are _not_ teething. You're a grown woman in the body of a child. Even if you were a real child, Arrancar don't teethe. Ever. - Why is my office swimming in saliva!?

**Sado Yasutora** - Stop sneaking up on people and standing behind them silently, waiting to greet them until they turn around. It scares them senseless and the last thing we need are nervous Shinigami. - I don't care that you aren't doing it on purpose. Don't make us put a bell on you.

**Shiba Ganju** - We do not require any fireworks for our end-of-war celebrations. Also, those are not fireworks. Those are rocket-propelled grenades. I _do_ know the difference. - Stop trying to destroy Seireitei from the inside. Your efforts are insignificant compared to the destruction caused during normal, everyday activities. This is Seireitei. If you want to be considered an "insane badass", go back to Rukongai.

**Shiba Kukaku and Shihoin-taicho** - Stop comparing your breasts. No matter who's are larger, bouncier or more perfectly shaped, you cannot use them to take over Seireitei. Even if, by some odd quirk of genetics, your breasts did hold some hypnotic power over straight men and bent women, a good half of the most powerful individuals would be completely unaffected. - No, Kurosaki-taicho wouldn't let you take over just because he'd think it's funny. - Stay away from Matsumoto-fukutaicho. She is not the ideal standard to hold yourselves up against.

**Soifon-taicho** - Please stop trying to assassinate Aizen. We don't care if you kill him or not, but Kurosaki-taicho is on a hair trigger these days. When someone breaks into his house, he tends to attack first and try to extract answers from the paste that used to be the intruder later. As a taicho with only a handful of neuroses, you are far too valuable to lose.

**Ukitake-taicho** - We admit that the intricacies of Kurosaki-taicho's romantic relationships are generally a mystery to us. (We are not asserting that the two of you have a semi-secret romantic relationship, but we are certainly not stupid or blind.) However, we have noted that you seem to be the only voice of reason he will listen to. You also seem to be a very effective calming influence. As such, we would like to request that you never, _ever_ separate from him. - We are not accusing you of anything, but could you please ask Kurosaki-taicho to move his beating of those who previously kidnapped you away from the twelfth division. Urahara-taicho actually looked a bit concerned when a stray attack came a little too close to his lab. I don't know what he's got in there, but if he looks concerned, we should be terrified.

**Ulquiorra Schiffer** - We are not going to authorize the building of a wall of seki seki around the thirteenth and three-quarters division just so you can have kinky sex without endangering the rest of Seireitei. - On second thought, the wall might be a good idea, regardless of your motivations.

**Unohana-taicho** - Just because your mild mannered healers know the best way to patch someone up, and therefore the best way to take them apart, does not mean they should receive special training from both the second and eleventh divisions. Please stop trying to turn them into a secret team of elite assassins.

**Urahara-taicho** - As the King of Hell, we admit that you know more about that dimension than any other individual in Soul Society. That said, please stop carrying around that puzzle box and fiddling with it whenever you get bored. I'm not sure what the Lament Configuration is, but just being in its presence makes me want to tear off my own skin and burn all the worlds to ash just to spare them the horror.

**Yamada Hanataro** - It was absolutely terrifying when you put on a surgical mask, snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, picked up a scalpel and asked me if I was particularly attached to my liver. - Please stop spending so much time with Soifon-taicho and the Onmitsukido. - That does not mean you now have twice as much time to spend with Zaraki-taicho. - You don't need new best friends. Certainly not _those_ friends. Stay away from Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Oderschvank and Hinamori-fukutaicho. (That is a very odd combination, considering Hinamori hates Kurosaki and everything associated with him.) - Just, for my own peace of mind, please stick to your own division from now on.

**Zaraki-taicho** - It is not funny that members of the eleventh division now give Yamada Hanataro a wide berth when they pass him on the street. Just last week, three different groups of Shinigami from the eleventh division were sent to the fourth because of severed limbs, all babbling about "Doc Yamada" and his scalpel of doom. - I fear what will happen when they learn the form his shikai takes. - Threatening your subordinates with a "check-up" with Yamada is not the proper way to go about enforcing discipline.


	32. Chapter 32 Message from the Espada

This message is brought to you by the United Espada Alliance Against Kurosaki Ichigo  
"Stop stealing our Fraccion, you bastard!"  
Alliance President: Nnoitra Jiruga

**A Message From Aaroniero Arruruerie, Noveno Espada** - Who is the midget Shinigami that keeps following me around, demanding I release the soul of "Kaien-dono"? Can I eat her? - I can't believe I actually have to _ask_ if I'm allowed to eat a Shinigami, and that the answer might be "_no_". Things have gotten so complicated these days. Aizen-sama married our greatest enemy, Kurosaki might as well be considered a Vasto Lorde class Arrancar, Hollows are dating Shinigami, a human with godly powers is our usually-absent queen and more and more Arrancar are deserting after one encounter with Kurosaki. Not to mention that pink thing wandering around distant parts of Hueco Mundo, capturing lesser Hollows and calling them her pets. I never know who I'm allowed to kill anymore, and I swear Yammy tried to eat me yesterday. - Does Hueco Mundo have winter? It's getting a bit chilly and I think I saw snow.

**A Message From Szayel Aporro Granz, Octava Espada** - If anyone needs me, I'll be in Soul Society. - I'm taking Ylfordt with me, by the way. I hear Kurosaki might have a thing for brothers.

**A Message From Zommari Leroux, Septima Espada** - What does 'free love' mean and why does Kurosaki think it will end the war?

**A Message From Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Sexta Espada** - You assholes wouldn't be complaining if you knew what he can do with his tongue. - I'm still the Sexta! Stay away from my shit! I'm coming back for it!

**A Message From Nnoitra Jiruga, Quinto Espada** - Gimme back my fucking Fraccion! He is _not_ abused and you can't fucking have him! He's mine! Mine, you hear! Tesla, get your ass back here! You're mine! _MINE_! _(the rest consists of various curses and illegible scrawls that tear through the paper in places)_

**A Message From Ulquiorra Schiffer** _(name is struck out and a second name scribbled in its place) _**Nnoitra Jiruga, Cuatro Espada** - Bastard's gone, fucking traitor! Psycho Princess has got him whipped and I hear that orange-haired freak chained him to his bed for a week. Who knew that emotionless dick could be led around by his dick. Ha! - Does this make me the Cuatro Espada now? _FUCK YEAH_! - What the hell!? Why is fucking Lilynette the only pretty _('pretty' is scratched out)_ non-hideous one left!? And Stark had to threaten to reabsorb the bitch to get her to stay put! There's no way this Kurosaki fucker is so great! I'll _prove_ it! - _(in a much calmer hand)_ If anyone needs me, I'll be in Soul Society.

**A Message From Tia Hallibel, Tres Espada** - _(this space left suspiciously blank)_  
**A Short Note From Baraggan** - Has anyone seen Halibel lately? Her Fraccion are missing too...  
**Princess Nel-too-Awesome Says** - _(written in blue crayon)_ S_Lu_M_b_Er _p_A_rT_Y!

**A Message From Baraggan Louisenbairn, Segunda Espada** - Where did Ggio Vega go, and why is Charlotte crying? What is this about my Fraccion being unworthy? Unworthy of _what_? Why does no one tell me anything anymore?

**A Message From Coyote Stark, Primera Espada** - Carry on.

**A Message From Yammy Rialgo, Zero Espada** - _(a crude drawing of what looks like a horse violating a turkey on top of a mound of bloody corpses)_  
**A Short Note from Zommari Leroux** - Yammy is illiterate. I believe that caricature means he's hungry. - I _hope_ it means he's hungry.

* * *

AN - I had the next three chapters written and ready to go, but only a few hours after posting chapter 31, my computer crashed. For good. I had to get an entirely new one (and it's _awesome_). My laptop also died, so I've had no computer and no internet for nearly a month. I lost the three completed chapters, along with several hundred thousand words of fiction spanning seven different fandoms (Bleach, Naruto, Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, Stargate, Doctor Who) that I'd yet to publish. Without access to what I'd already written, I was hesitant to write anything new, because there _is_ a bit of a plot to this, flimsy as it may be, but I got to wondering: "What do the Espada think of all this? How is the Shinigami's insanity affecting Hueco Mundo?" So, I wrote this up in a notebook. I have to tell you, I **hate** having to write the Arrancar's names, _especially_ from memory.

As to how this fits in with something that's supposed to be posted in the Shinigami's barracks, I imagine Nnoitra got pissed when he realized Tesla was gone, so he wrote a message, forced everyone else to participate and then dumped a bunch of copies all over Seireitei.

TL;DR - Computer died. Lost fic. Wrote this instead.

PS - As of a few hours ago, I found out I'm allergic to scorpion stings, the hard way. It crawled into bed with me and stung me three times before my frantic, terrified flailing killed it. Strangely, my first reaction, after freaking the hell out and rushing for the medicine, was to come update. I have really strange priorities.


End file.
